J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Supplement 1)

Secret Location: WJX, 26 Sep 2006 1245 ZULU

We broke for lunch and my two local agents brought me to a nearby restaurant. I went "Uh-oh..." as I stepped out the car when I see a pictures of donkeys pasted all over the windows.

Yes, that's right, I am about to go eat a donkey. Supposedly a local delicacy here but I can't help but think if there was silent dissent below the ranks.

First, we were presented with the steamboat with the broth generously ladled with spices. The first plate was donkey meat, the normal parts (Picture left), and I took the first piece after letting it cook in the steamboat for a few minutes. It tasted quite good and chewy but I couldn't help noticed the silent snickering of the 2 agents seated opposite me. They must be thinking (silently, of course)...

Kiss My Ass.

Lick My Ass.

You Suck Ass.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the next plate was, horrors of all horrors, Donkey Dong! Luckily they sliced it up before bringing to the table (Picture right) or I really won't know how to go about eating it, if it were one SINGLE piece. I'd probably grab it and slap the two agents with it.

I was silently cursing: Nin Nah Beh... kio lim peh Kum Bey Lan.....

Not wanting to lose face, I bravely took a piece from the steamboat and ate it. Sigh... Literally chwee tat lan.

As I was chewing it, I was like "Eh? Buay pai leh... quite nice to eat leh...." and then I did the unthinkable after stuffing my mouth with a donkey's dick.

I swallowed.

Siao liao... I think I going gay liao....

All these while, these 2 si nong kiahs sitting opposite me were grinning like 2 silly monkeys all throughout the lunch.

"Nairmind..." I thought to myself. "I am sooooo going to send the two of you to Tikrit."

- Voxeros

1. Jaslyn left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 1:33 am :: http://precious-jas.blogspot.com

Very nb de brave sia Papa J!!!!

2. Meepok left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:18 am

When in China, I typically don't want to ask what I'm eating. If it's in the plate and the locals eat it, I assume it's edible. With this philosophy, I probably would have eaten half the animal species in Singapore zoo. No wonder my IQ keeps dropping.

3. nadnut left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:54 am :: http://nadnut.blogspot.com

wahhahaa. so i guess ull definitely swallow and not spit. heh.
anyway, wats sio hoon kee ?

4. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:04 am :: 

Jaslyn: *sniff* Mouth no more virgin liao. *sniff*

Meepok: The old cantonese saying goes "If it's back faces the sun, it is edible."
Joke all we want but we also need to think how this came about. Perhaps it was sheer hunger and poverty that they were driven to eating anything and everything for the sake of survival?

Take this other story for example.

I have heard of this Cambodian business man who has a farm breeding tarantula spiders for his restaurant.

He was a prisoner during the Khmer Rouge regime back then when he was spared his life.

The condition however, was that he was to be abandoned in the middle of the jungle and it is up to him to decide if he is going to survive.

He resorted to eating the tarantulas.

When the Khmer Rouge were gone and he returned to civilisation, he kept reminiscing about how yummy the spiders were and hence decided to start a business selling them as food.

5. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:17 am :: 

Nadnut: Yeah... I think everybody should swallow and not spit...
.... donkey meat lah.... what were you thinking? :P
btw, sio = burn = smoke; hoon kee = cigarette.

6. akk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:24 am

swallow and not spit!!! muahahaha....Jay! U and nad both made my day siah! fantastic start to Drudgery Wednesday, must stifle the sniggering in the office...wah lau...

7. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:20 am ::

Akk: I think I got the "longer" end of the straw. I kena the donkey. Oh the trauma!

8. milktea left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 12:31 pm

I once ate snake meat and it was quite deli, tastes like chicken. this is the first time I heard someone ate donkey meat. so how does it taste like?

9. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 12:42 pm :: 

milktea: Over here "秋风吹，三蛇肥". Next month, when the weather cools, it will be season to eat snake. Deep fried are the nicest.

Then again, no need to wait so long lah. I everyday also jia juar one.. kekekeke....

10. faythxz left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 2:32 pm

OMG!!!! or should i say Wah Lan Eh haha....i would never have swollowed that! i refuse to even eat the "ha ma la si"

11. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 3:54 pm :: 

faythxz: Wah lan eh is right! I couldn't have put it any better. Perhaps maybe simi lan jiao?
Ok ok... this blog is getting too coarse liao. ~lol.
p.s. er... What is "ha ma la si"?

12. chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:32 pm

aiyo, 'yi xing bu xing'
any 'reaction' after eating that?
btw, i like the 'salty fried snake meat' (jiao yan she) too. beri, beri good!

13. chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:41 pm

are you currently in north eastern china (dong-bei)?

14. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:43 pm ::

Chen Deneng: Bor leh...morning wake up still like that leh... I think if I wake up see donkey, I die heart attack siah. ~LOL

15. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:48 pm ::

Chen Deneng: ShiJiaZhuang to be exact. But come back liao.

16. Chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:26 pm

ya, then u can go us of a to join lockson liao!
his 'horse' vs yr 'donkey'!

17. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:38 pm :: 

Chen Deneng: Hahahaha..... I KNEW that was going to come up sooner or later. ~LOL

18. Chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:59 pm

i am too predictable for you liao!
must change tact.

19. The Hungry Bunny left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 6:05 pm :: http://thehungrybunny.blogspot.com

ewww. disgusting can?

20. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 6:44 pm :: 

Chen Deneng: It has to come out eventually (no pun intended). Glad you had the honour to let it out.
 
Oook... that did not come out right....

The Hungry Bunny: Over here, considered mild already... got lagi more ewwwww one....

21. Lynne left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:49 pm

Seriously? Wow, must try ... yeah rightttt! Next time, they will treat you to a owl steamboat, yeah, an owl, the one that hoots at night.

22. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:14 pm :: 

Lynne: Er.... tastes like chicken? I think I can stomach that as long as the bird don't stare back at me.
Bat I eaten before already and so I think owl can handle lah... Just don't do the hoot hoot while in the steamboat can liao.

23. hitomi left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:06 pm

eeeeeeeeeeeee..................

24. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 11:47 pm ::

hitomi: In all fairness hor, not bad lah... just need to overcome the psychological factor lor.

25. faythxz left...

Thursday, 29 September 2005 10:28 am

it the lai ha ma (toad) sold in packs like ready snacks with the full toad shape and even the toes!!! i can handle frog legs cos u can't see the toes and the body just the leg but this is a full toad YUCKS

26. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 September 2005 12:19 pm ::

faythxz: Toad not poisonous meh? I do know that some of the native Indians of America used to lick the skins of a particular species of toad to get high. Some sort of narcotics for them. 

I think I don't have the stomach to eat a toad too.

J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Part 2)

Continuing from earlier episode...

Secret Location: WTP, 25 Sep 2005 2100 ZULU

It was an hour before I arrived at my Tactical HQ disguised as the World Trade Plaza hotel.

Agent AP1: Welcome to GILA Tactical HQ. We have arranged the 16th floor to be your Ops Room.

Agent-J: Thank you. I see you guys have done a good job here. The hotel looks full. Better to allow us to disappear into the crowd.

Agent AP1: There is a Journalist Convention going on this week and the place is packed with them.

Agent-J: Ahh... the perfect cover for me.

Agent AP1: ?

Agent-J: I blogger mah... so I technically also considered journalist what.

Agents AP1 & AP2: -_-"

Agent-J: It's a joke lah. Not funny meh?

Agents AP1 & AP2: -_-"

Agent-J: May I remind you that your annual appraisal is due soon and I was wondering what to write... Perhaps I should recommend that you two go for the Whack-a-Terrorist Facility (WTF) course in Tikrit...

Agents AP1 & AP2: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

Agent-J: :)

Secret Location: WJX, 26 Sep 2005 0940 ZULU

We hit the ground running when we reached Camp Burgundy Buffalo as I headed straight to verify my identity with another submission of my DNA sample (Picture left).

We set up all our equipment and went into the production lab and started tracing the manufacturing process from the start.

This is the drum where all the raw hides are tumbled inside to remove all the hair, lipids, pigment, warts and all.

At the end of the tumbling, all leather, be they black, brown or machiam like Gateway computer carton box, will all look like this. It's white with a tinge of blue. Perhaps this is where Cow Peh Cow Blue originated? The reason for needing to remove all the color is so that you are able to have a consistent colour with every piece. Just like having a fresh white sheet of canvas with every new painting.

This is the spray conveyor that does the colour magic.

In order to get Burgundy, we have to go through many process of coats. This brown here is the base coat. The first of many steps towards the final colour.

Once we got the final colour, it is sent to another tumbler for softening.

It's one last coat of sheen before hanging them up to dry.

Along every stage, we need to take readings of the color to ensure that it stays on the path towards the final Burgundy.

The very last reading is the most important as it will decide whether it is a go or no go. Delta-E at 0.88 is not exactly ideal (that would be 0.60 or less) but we deemed it good enough to begin mass production.

Mission Accomplished.

Secret Location: SJW, 27 Sep 2005 1125 ZULU

I returned to the airport where the local command centre was and  the wireless PDA sprang to life.

> *** START OF MESSAGE *** > Assignment: Accomplished and Completed. > Agent Status: Deactivated and Return to Civilian Status. > *** END OF MESSAGE ***

Hi, my name is JayWalk. Did I miss much this couple of days?

... Next up. The Supplement - My Mouth No More Virgin. Click Here.

- Voxeros

1. akk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:59 pm

Brilliant post, man, esp the WTF... The whole colouring process is damn interesting also! So that small white box is the extremely expensive colorimeter? wah lau....
and what will happen to the rejected leather? throw away?

2. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 11:07 pm :: 

Akk: Aww gee... *blush*. Thanks for the pat on the back.
Anyway, when leather is rejected, it goes back to the conveyor to be corrected if the colour is too light.
If it is too dark, then the tannery needs to start looking for customers to buy the "new" colour, usually at a very heavily discounted rate.
This is why, we calibrate colour very carefully.

3. hitomi left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:07 pm

interesting! :)

J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Part 1)

Secret Location: HMT, 23 Sep 2005 1530 ZULU

It was a balmy summer afternoon when the courier dropped off a wireless PDA at my desk. On it was a cryptic message.

> The witch bitch has a twitch itch in her snitch.

To which I key-in the reply:

> The meek deek has the cheek to sneak peek the creek.

Next the screen cleared only to be replaced with the confirmation message.

> *** START OF MESSAGE *** > Assignment: Approved and In Progress. > Agent Status: Re-activated and Verified. > Ops Code: Burgundy Buffalo > Ops Brief: Burgundy Buffalo's calibration has in recent weeks, exhibited an unusual anomaly in the spectral readings. > Ops Objective: Investigation and rectification. > *** END OF MESSAGE ***

The word "re-activated" means that I am back on active duty nominal roll.

My name is no longer JayWalk.

I am Agent-J of the Global Investigations Legion Attaché (G.I.L.A)

Without hesitation, I got my flight arrangement all settled with the help of Agent T.A.G.* and I was ready to roll.

Secret Location : CAN, 25 Sep 2005 1430 ZULU

Reached the airport under heavy police escort smoothly in slightly over an hour. Our directive to stay low profile was shot to bits with the escorts flashing their lights and blaring their sirens all through the highway. Then again, maybe over here in Ch1na, getting all the police lights blazing and sirens blaring IS BLENDING INTO THE ENVIRONMENT. Oh well...

I checked in with the G.I.L.A Briefing Centre and was met by the local agent holding my Assignment Docket.

Agent-P.M.B.: Good afternoon, Sir. I am Agent-P.M.B.** and I am your Point-man at CAN. Shall we proceed?

Agent-J: Hang on a minute, less do this outside.

Agent-P.M.B.: Sir, I can assured you that we are in the secure area. We have cleared the area and we are swept of all bugs. Do you suspect otherwise?

Agent-J: No. I prefer to take this outside in the open.

Agent-P.M.B.: Why is that, Sir?

Agent-J: Lim Peh need to sio hoon kee.

Agent-P.M.B.: -_-"

Once we stepped outside, I fished out two pieces of green film and stuck one on the roof of my mouth and one on my tongue, before reaching for my pack of Mild Seven and lighter. I lit up with ease while Agent-P.M.B. was struggling with the strong winds outside.

Agent-P.M.B.: What are the 2 films that you stick into your mouth and what high-tech lighter are you using that allows you to overcome the strong winds?

Agent-J: This is the Olafactory Atmospheric Detoxifier Film and this is a Palm Bunsen.

Agent-P.M.B.: Ola-what? Palm-what?

Agent-J: Listerine Breath Strip and wind proof lighter lah.

Agent-P.M.B.: -_-"

I offered two strips and my lighter to the obviously floored-with-awe colleague who thus experienced what is known as the "Super Menthol" hoon kee.

At about this time, another junior agent appeared with my access cards*** and my check-in process was completed. I decided we continue this briefing at the Command Centre****. My personnel carrier***** took us all the way through security and I had quite a bit of problem with the X-Rays as airport security was visibly concerned with all the electronics that I am carrying with me. It wasn't before I said the secret password, "Jee Gey Yarn", that they decided to clear me through.

I arrived at the Command Centre and due to the recent unrests all over the world, access security was raised several notch. I had to submit my DNA sample (picture left) and a biometric palm scan (picture right below) before I was given the clearance to entry.

After the briefing, I proceeded to make my way to our private jet. Our tRUSTY MD-82 was in bad but operational shape. The tatters of the door-sealing trim was fluttering to the dance of the winds while I could see that the pilot has decided to make do with newspapers as window shades. Sigh.... bladdy Top Brass upstairs probably dropped the ball on our annual defense budget again. Haiz....

As I boarded the aircraft, I was pleased, while at the same time peeved, to discover that my reputation has far preceded me.

An Agent-Under-New-Training-Initiative-(Entry-level) (A.U.N.T.I.E.) was assigned to sit next to me. Probably HQ's subtle way of telling me to keep my hands to myself. Nah beh.... I was so hoping to get a Senior-Liaison-Under-Training (S.L.U.T.). Now wouldn't that brighten things a little bit. No?

5-minutes into take-off and AUNTIE was really showing signs of an entry-level agent as she reached for the air-sickness bag, putting it on stand-by. I hope she pulls through. I really do. I REALLY REALLY do.

It was a three-hour flight and I was glad to arrive without incident. AUNTIE made it without the air-sickness bag. I think I was more happy than she was relieved.

Secret Location : SJW, 25 Sep 2005 1920 ZULU

I was met with Agent AP1 and Agent AP2 ****** who whisked me away from the airport into the darkness....

... Click here to proceed to Part 2.


Glossary
* T.A.G. = Travel Agent Girl
** P.M.B. = Print My Boarding-Pass
*** Access Cards = Boarding-Pass and Lounge Invitation
**** Command Centre = VIP Lounge
***** Personnel Carrier = Airport Buggy
****** AP = Ah Pui

- Voxeros

1. chendeneng left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 11:19 am

simi lai-eh
machiam like reading "the secret life of walter mitty"
tks

2. zeenie left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 1:59 pm

nice..... can't wait for the next part(s)!

3. akk left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 5:51 pm

hopes for SLUTs dashed....pity... :)

4. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 12:56 am :: 

Chen Deneng: Read on lah... so kancheong?

Zeenie: I think I will do the blog tomorrow. Too damn tired to do it today.

Akk: Yah lor.... I also say.... :P

5. vanna left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:20 pm

u very creative hor.. hahahaha
see already want to laff

6. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:46 pm ::

Vanna: Heh heh... glad you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for Part 2 and more.