25 March 2010

Crisis Of Faith

I plurked that a few weeks ago on the day just before I left Singapore.

I was in Church and possibly my very last church service in a long time to come.

I have been praying for months to find something worthwhile to do in Singapore so that I can remain close to my family and friends. Alas, it has fallen on deaf ears or was there no one at the other end to pick up my prayer call in the first place?

Now don't get me wrong, I love my current job and the opportunity that comes with it. It is like the Two of Spades in the game of Chor Dai Dee where it is the best card and you only play it right at the end. However, the price to pay for that kind of money and power is beyond imagination. A solitary nomadic life. Not many people have the mental appetite for it. 

My crisis of faith arises when my prayers went unanswered and I have had a miserable year prior, working with idiots and morons. I was there to bear witness to see good people suffered injustice while I was helpless to offer any assistance. I was also there to see two-faced conniving witches pretending to be angels while plotting your murder.

Where were You?

I am now in QQLand on my own and I believe I got there on my own. Some may say that this is God's plan to put me in QQLand which is why my prayers to remained in Singapore were denied.

I say bullshit. That's just self-fulfilling prophecy.

So for now, I am taking a break and to get myself some peace of mind. I am done looking for Him. He can come look for me instead, if He exists in the first place.

- Voxeros

1. Nerak left...
Thursday, 25 March 2010 2:42 pm
It's not easy for you to say such as I know you have always been a rather staunch Christian.
If you are still feeling upset, you still have me to talk to! :)

2. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 25 March 2010 4:34 pm :: 
Nerak: I was never a staunch Christian and neither am I a good one. I am just one. I think.

3. darkelfin left...
Thursday, 25 March 2010 7:22 pm
well, u know wat staunch christians will say. this is all god's way of testing you. and you have FAILED!
dun worry, if u are upset, you still have Nerak to talk to. :)

4. barffie left...
Thursday, 25 March 2010 10:09 pm
Don't give up. Faith (on a general term) is there, so people have something to always look towards to, or to fall back on when the going gets tough... I don't think I can do what you did, but I can understand that you just had to. =(

5. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 25 March 2010 10:23 pm :: 
Darkelfin: To those supposedly staunch Christians, I say screw them.

Fail? Fail lor! Seriously, I stopped caring already.

Barffie: Well, in this case, I only had myself to fall back on.

6. Ruok left...
Friday, 26 March 2010 11:19 pm
We almost always want the answers to our prayers to be a positive one. But what if the answer is a "no"? Do you reject it or accept it? I believe He answers prayers; just that His answers are not always "yes". It could be a "no"; it might even be a "not right now". Point is, he does answer them. We just have trouble accepting his answers when it doesn't go according to our plan.
I found this book to be helpful when I had my own crisis of faith. "Reaching for the Invisible God" - Philip Yancey. Hopefully you will find it as useful as I have.

7. Gary left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 2:19 am
there are certain things in life you cant never say, that is it. I believe even if God had put you there, there is a reason to it. no? God's plan is always the best, but human beings refuse to accept as they think that their plans are the best, but in the end, fall short and deny the glory to God. Perhaps you have some unfinished business..

8. merryfeet left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 3:16 am
This little Asok here (not such a blur f* anymore but unfortunately, still blur, and still the lowest lifeform, exp. a/c servicing in an mnc) is commenting because she faced the very same thing you witnessed. Peace, integrity and intelligence cannot co-exist in Singapore is it, must target the Asok to save his own ass. Wtf.
Somehow whenever I feel the need to complain i come to your blog and you are talking about the same thing haha.
And anyway.. Atheist here. I never knew who I was speaking to when I was encouraged to try prayers for 2 years at the alma-mater. I don't believe. I can't. And I really don't like it when people tell me for all of my problems and happiness, it's God's plans. I go through the shit and found my happiness because I made the decisions that landed me there in the first place, so it could go either way. Of course, there is no right or wrong answer, but I'm not comfortable with the Church's.
I survived alone in a foreign land without friends for a month, can't even speak the language. I know it can't be compared to your long term posting overseas la, but I believe you will be well. Jiayou! Be strong!

9. JayWalk left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 1:05 pm :: 
ruok & Gary: I am familiar with Yancey's work. The skeptic in me just find that "it's God plan for you" is just too convenient an answer to explain everything.

It is a self-owning exercise where every prophecy ends up being self-fulfilled.

Merryfeet: I know how you feel. You keep dialing the hotline only to be put on hold for hours. You wonder if there is anybody actually on the other side of the line or were you just merely put on machinese to listen to endless loop of muzak?

10. Chocolate gal left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 1:13 pm
Errr.. i loan you my Guan yin ma, okie? No stress no stress.. Huggiess....

11. JayWalk left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 1:20 pm :: 
Chocolate Gal: Thanks for the offer but I prefer to walk this path on my own for now.

12. Mistress Grace left...
Saturday, 27 March 2010 9:52 pm
Its your karma, would Karma be a better explanation for things. Jay, faith means having belief in something even if the answer is not yes and having the ability to accept things as they are. As you know, I am not a staunch religious person. But then, if you are christian because you are christian, then you shouldnt be in the faith itself.

13. barffie left...
Sunday, 28 March 2010 1:36 am
Faith, to me... it's something within me. It's not a 'higher being' or a 'force of nature' or something. So I guess, 靠自己還是最實際的。。。

14. JayWalk left...
Sunday, 28 March 2010 9:49 am :: 
Mistress Grace: I do not believe Karma in the religious sense but I do believe what goes around, comes around.

Barffie: Yes, that is perhaps how it can describe me. I am helping myself.

They say put everything into the Hands of the Lord and he shall take care of it. It's like the queue at a gahmen agency. Yes, they will help but God (no pun intended) knows how long before the queue reaches you.

Hence, I just decided to do things on my own. Those folks who still have the so-called faith, I say they can sit there and slowly wait while I get off my ass and start making things happen.

15. Ruok left...
Tuesday, 30 March 2010 5:28 am
The thing is, nobody can truly tell you what God's plans are for you. And if I've caused you to believe so from my comments then I apologise. I was just trying to impress we might not like God's answers to our prayers.
I too am not an advocate of just leaving everything to God and let him take care of it. It's again coming out from the genie complex some Christians are prone to.
It might not be biblical, but I've always believed God helps those who help themselves. So no, i don't expect you or any Christians to sit on their arse and leave Him to do everything. Why not get a genie lamp instead?
If you've already read the book I mentioned, you might want to take a look at this other one : "Prayer" with the tagline "Does It Make Any Difference"

16. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 30 March 2010 7:15 am ::
ruok: No need to apologise. I where you are coming from. I used to tell the same thing to other skeptic.

Here's the thing about God helping those who help themselves. If I am helping myself, I don't need Your help liao loh.

Again, I used to be an advocate of God helping those who help themselves. Now it's kinda coming back to bite me in the ass. Karma's a bitch sometimes.

17. Sophie left...
Tuesday, 30 March 2010 10:37 pm
Its okay to take a break from God, Jay. Faith will find you again.

18. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 30 March 2010 10:46 pm :: 
Sophie: Well, we'll see how it goes. Not going to think about it anymore. If it happens, it happens. If not, the no biggie either.

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