J-Files Case# 543.534d - Profile: Agent NadNut

We have been on Agent-Nadnut's case for quite some time already and she remained as elusive as ever. Looks like it may take more than China Redbull to entice her into joining up with us. While in most cases, we adopt a clear-cut Friend-or-Foe policy i.e. if not for us, then against us, strictly no in-between grey areas. However, given the many invaluable attributes that Agent-Nadnut possesses, we have no choice but to bend our own policy in order to accomodate this prized target. Hence, since J-Files Case# 882.732, we have escalated her case to Elusively Valuable Undermining Reason and Logic (EVURL) level.

Her recent attempt to terminate Agent-J's nuts failed and we almost captured her with a ambush at POD. Agent-Nadnut is a sly one and we failed to tempt her with Booze, Sweets and Hoon Kee. She remained steadfastly defiant against our many attempts of temptation.

It was indeed unfortunate, that she made her escape from POD with the help of her sidekick, which we only came to know of recently. More will be covered on this new character in the "Others" section.

SWOP Analysis

Strength
As mentioned in the earlier case, she has many weapons under her belt. However, we recently uncovered a new weapon during our ambush which partially aided her escape. The hypnotic effect implanted into her voice has caused the various G.I.L.A. agents weak in their respective English Knees, resulting in a severe handicap during pursuit.

We have reports from Agent-66 that on top of the weapon of Hypnotic Voice, she also an expert of in the martial art of clawing. Agent-66 has personally witnessed the demise of an enemy agent shredded to pieces via Agent-Nadnut formidable claws.

Weakness
Agent-Nadnut's ferocious appetite for all things bovine was an eye opener. We were fortunate none of our agents during the ambush, was born in the year of the cow ox or our casualty count would have been disastrous.

Agent-Nadnut's affinity for cow can also be looked upon as her weakness. Perhaps if our labs can produced Redbull Steak, we would have her in our kitty very soon. So far, the closest we have gotten is the Coca-Cola Chicken proudly developed by our own Agent-Meepok. I am sure, getting from there to Redbull Steak would only be a step further.

Others
The mystery sidekick that appeared during the night of the ambush as identified as Agent-Tiger. We have yet to establish a full dossier on this character but our field agents are currently working on it. Full report will be presented as soon as all the vital information have been consolidated.

Perhaps another way of getting to Agent-Nadnut would be via Agent-Tiger? Further investigative probe is required.

ProspectNone at the moment as we have yet to maintain a successful dialogue. However, we have planted Agent-AKK with a box of Malaysian C4 for Agent-Nadnut in our attempts to hook her. Then again, should Agent-AKK consumed all of it before reaching the hands of Agent-Nadnut, then all hopes are lost.

As a precaution, we need to step up on our research on this mystery Agent-Tiger post haste!

Agent-Nadnut has proved to be a tough nut to crack. Let's hope that all the efforts and resources committed thus far will not go to waste. Good luck Gentlemen!

AGENT-J

- Voxeros

1. agent nadnut left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 10:14 am

muahahahaa. i'm the only agent who didnt succumb to you! :P

2. akk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 10:23 am

I have failed u boss! the C4 plan is in TATTERS!!! she found out abt it and force the whole bag into me, wrappers and all...

3. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 11:30 am :: 

Agent Nadnut: Acherly hor, it was done on purpose lah. If don't let the bad guy escape, then where got chance to do sequel?

Think of all the merchandising! J-Files T-shirt, J-Files Coffee Mug, J-Files Toilet Paper....

Akk: Force the whole bag into you. Man, that sounded so wrong.....

4. agent nadnut left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 3:06 pm

im the heroine! wheeeeeeeeeee!

5. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 3:51 pm ::

Agent-Nadnut: Bah! ... Nuts...... ><

6. Agent 66 left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 5:10 pm

*shhhhhh, i am already getting Agent Nadnut to be cracked with my present this sun.. dun worry*
:P

7. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 5:42 pm :: 

Agent-66: So now you know why you are my No.1 Ang Pai agent.
Looking forward to your good news. Good work, Agent-66!

8. agent nadnut left...

Saturday, 31 December 2005 2:31 pm

wait long long!

J-Files Case# 543.534c - Profile: Agent-AKK

For those who are new to the J-Files Case Series, please read this first.

---

Background
Agent-AKK was part of the KuKuehKlan who was originally a neutral organisation, until the recent Secret Agent Meeting (SAM) when she decided to align herself with the agents from Cowboy Bastion Avant de Résistance (Cowboy BAR). However, due to the vast age gap difference in philosophy, the union never came to fruition, which leaves G.I.L.A. the perfect opportunity to swoop in and poach her. Agent-J has been working on her for the past few months already under the guise of Agent-COZ (Chronicles of Z) and we are pleased to announce her pledge of allegiance to G.I.L.A. after SAM II.

However, as per Agent-66 case, the formality of this report still have to proceed, even though it is a done deal as far as recruiting her is concerned..

SWOP Analysis

Strength
Agent-AKK is an expert in the field of inter-molecular biology which would greatly benefit us in our R&D of biological weapons and counter-weapons.

On the chemistry front, she has in-depth knowledge on the usage of two very effective poisons recently identified as Vanadium Oxide Di-Ketonic Acid (VODKA) and Lithium Iodide Mono-Ethanol (LIME). More about this in the "Others" section.

Weakness
With every agent, come his/her own personal traits or signature mode of operation. Her favourite weapons of choice are the CJD (Choujidan) and SMF (Sheltered Middle Finger).

CJD can hardly be classified as a weapon for it has no power of devastation. It is however, a useful tool for escape, possibly containing Nitrous Oxide (Laughing Gas), temporary distracting the laughing enemy while she makes her exit.

We also question the effectiveness of SMF for while it can cause temporary blindness, it is non-lethal and can only be applied to one eye at a time. Highly inefficient in our opinion.

Others
As mentioned earlier on the poisons of  VODKA and LIME, it is unfortunate that we do not have enough of them for Agent-AKK to continue her research experiments. As such, it is recommended to G.I.L.A. POD to step up the supply of them for Agent-AKK to bring their applications to the next higher level.

Our analysis recommends that Agent-AKK should retire her CJD and perhaps introduce her to alternatives like Flying Umbrellas Can Kill U (Acronym not available at time of report).

Prospect
We have Lady Luck to thank for such a prized catch and will assign Agent-AKK under the care of Agent-COA (Chronicles of A). Obviously not a natural choice for field work, Agent-AKK is more suited in our backroom, playing a support role. With the two agents forming a partnership, we expect great achievements from them and we shall expect them to make recruit more agents of similar calibre in the very near future.

AGENT-J

- Voxeros

1. Agent 66 left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 1:52 am

Steady!!
She's in the background so soon. I want to learn more things from my senior leh. Haiz.
Did I join the organisation too slow?? hahah

2. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 5:37 am :: 

Agent-66: It's never too late to be a GILA. Tio bor?

3. nadnut left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 10:19 am

BAH! agent AKK is on MY side!

4

. agent akk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 10:59 am

ah? what's happening now who am i siding??? * blur*

5. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 11:14 am ::

Nadnut: You are sorely mistaken, my worthy adversary. Agent-AKK was planted in your side as a double-agent.
Hur hur hur.....

6. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 1:13 pm :: 

Agent-AKK: I see that your allegiance is wavering. We shall call on Agent-COA to continue his Psycho-Engineering of Agents Re-education (PEAR) efforts.
BTW, have you passed the box of gum to Agent-Nadnut already?

7. Lynne left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 9:43 pm

Oh no, even pure, innocent AKK has joined the dark side ...

8. akk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 10:25 pm

oh! the gum! oh yah, passed over to agent nad, but she found out about the bug among the wrappers and I almost couldn't restrain her with CJD. U're right, she's becoming immune and says, 'eh? taste like red-bull meh? muahaha...wan to sian me!'. In any case, she hopes you have downed the chocs she gave you, cos there's a small chip tucked inside that narrows in on your er...er...*censored*. I think hor, termination of J-nuts is seriously underway even as I speak. sorry siah, I'm triple double double duplex agent lah, i don't even know who i belong to anymore...haiz...

9. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 12:32 am ::

Lynne: Harlow! What dark side?! We are the good guys ok?

Akk: Oh crap. The C4 must have been a bad batch. Nonetheless, the chocs were fine. I noticed the chip ahead and have since removed it prior to consumption. So no harm done. Phew!

10. ahdokboy left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 8:55 am

haha...very creative

11. akk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 9:27 am

choujidan...i'm sure there's a second chip somewhere u haven't noticed....

12. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 11:39 am ::

ahdokboy: Glad that you liked it. Was afraid of alienating a lot of folks out there who didn't quite get all of these nonsense

Akk: Tsk tsk.... when will you ever learn? CJD no impact one.
Come come.... repeat after me....
Flying Umbrellas Can Kill U.... :P

J-Files Case# 543.534b - Profile: Agent-66

For those who are new to the J-Files Case Series, please read this first.

---

Background
Agent-66 attended the Secret Agent Meeting (SAM) when I first met her. She was collaborating with Agent Nadnut in their attempt to terminate Agent-J's nuts. Fortunately, their plan was foiled when they were ambushed at POD and Agent-66 lost all her balls.

Despite her defeat, her good showing was nonetheless held in high regards for after all, she was up against Agent-J, who is a very accomplished agent with few equals in his field. From that encounter, Agent-J was able to convert Agent-66 allegiance to G.I.L.A.. However, as per proper protocol, she must still be subjected to the required process of candidate screening. Hence the formality of this report.

SWOP Analysis

Strength
Agent-66's physical attributes in itself is a lethal weapon. The endless legs proved to be an effective weapon terminating enemy agents' nuts from an extended distance. She would have succeeded in her last attempt on Agent-J had the latter not had lightning-quick reflexes to dodge the attack.

Our labs also managed to obtain her vocal sample and it proved she is quite versatile with her ability to change her persona via her voice alone. A vocal chameleon if you would call it. While her vocal sample portrayed her as one persona, here is the transcript of her other persona with a simple manipulation of her voice.

Agent-66 has also shown her tenacity as far as the tolerance for alcohol is concerned and is able to drink her opponents under the table. However this aspect also proved to be her weakness which will be covered in the next section.

Weakness
Agent-66 strength in the alcohol department also proved to be her weakness as she is prone to be overwhelmed, should the intensity of it go beyond her control. Even more so if green apples and/or chocolate are involved.

Speaking of chocolate, Agent-66 was successfully converted to G.I.L.A. with the help of Agent-Teuscher. The Swiss was too much of a temptation that Agent-66 crumbled without even a struggle. We will have to work on this when she reports for duty on Day 00.

Others
Agent-66's secret weapon of assassination, the Tequila Chocolate Ball (TCB-12) backfired on her during the last assassination attempt resulting in the loss of all her balls.

Our labs experts reviewed that as a case-study and derived the following formula that summarises the case effectively:

Alcohol + Chocolate + Agent-66 = Gone

Prospect
By far, a formidable chiobu of model-ish attributes. Agent-66 will blend well into embassies, consulates and other environments of high society. However given her apparently weakness in alcohol and chocolate, much field training is needed. Perhaps, we may have to include Poser Training Modules (PTM) for her at Thumper Academy and School of Balaclava.

Agent-J

- Voxeros

1. Jaschocolate left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 8:04 am

Haha.. Ur observation is very keen hor...

2. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 9:19 am :: 

Jaschocolate: Which particular aspect are you referring to?

3. Agent 66 left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 9:29 am

*ahems*
when is the Poser Training Module going to start?
LOL
also hor
i didn't convert because of the chocolates
:P

4. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 9:44 am :: 

Agent-66: We are in the process of finalising your PTM training program but will not release to you in advance for security reasons.
Instead, you shall need to be on the alert at all times as activation is done via your mobile phone.

Upon hearing the activation code "小姐要不要做朋友？". You have 30 minutes to report for training.

This message will try to self destruct in 30 seconds.
Good luck Agent-66.
AGENT-J

5. Agent 66 left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 9:59 am

Agent -J
Thanks for your message.
But what a weird activation code we have. I always receive this message too from other people. How?
hahahhahahha

6. nadnut left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 10:37 am

muahahahah! nice one!

7. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 11:38 am ::

Agent-66: Thank you for your feedback. Perhaps we need to escalate this activation code to a higher bit encryption i.e. longer code.
Hence the new activation code shall be:
"小姐一个人啊? Ai gia stay-dee mai?"
AGENT-J

8. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 1:38 pm :: 

Nadnut: Your turn will come. Stay tuned for Friday.

9. Jaschocolate left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 1:47 pm

What a weird activation code.. :p Oh yeah, i was not referring to any particular aspect.. hee

10. agent akk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 11:02 am

hahahha...i heard the vocal sample siah....quite funny.

11. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 1:23 pm :: 

Jaschocolate: Bor pian. Have to be very unique arh bor, people accidentally activate her and she rush to the appointed place and go ..
"Eh? Where's everybody?"

Agent-AKK: Yah. This Agent-66 got talent. We will have to encourage her to further develop this talent. More vocal samples, please!

12. Agent 66 left...

Thursday, 29 December 2005 9:11 pm

did i hear my name? hurhurhur

13. JayWalk left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 12:07 am :: 

Agent-66: But of course! You are my ang pai agent leh!

14. Agent 66 left...

Friday, 30 December 2005 5:14 pm

i don't think so lor

hurhurhur

i just joined only.. not as good as the existing agents leh

:P still learning.. haha

J-Files Case# 543.534a - Profile: Agent-BB210

For those who are new to the J-Files Case Series, please read this first.

---

Background
I chance about this candidate in the western part of SGP. She is currently working undercover as a Human Resource Executive. My field agent's findings revealed that she is currently tracking down a criminal (Codename: Finance Queen) currently under the Witness Protection Program of the Judiciary Department. In other words, there is no access to this person via the legal channels as FQ is currently under the protection of the Gahmen.

Agent-BB210's strategy is impressive. By day, Agent-BB210 is a HR executive but by night, she has full access to all personnel files of the enemy organisation in order to uncover the true identity of FQ. After which, FQ shall be terminated.

SWOP Analysis

Strength
We have subjected her to the Hogwarts House Test and her results showed that she is Brave, Loyal, Smart, Honest and True. Just the ideal traits that we look for in an agent.

We have also come to know that she has psychic powers to summon the people around to do her bidding. Certainly an asset when it comes to mind-control and brain-washing of the enemy.

Weakness
Agent-BB210 has an adverse reaction to rain that would render her totally powerless. Her immune system seemed quite sensitive to the change in climatic temperature which is an indication that she is ill-suited for  traveling assignments in the temperate countries.

Her inability to master the heels also meant that she will not be able to harness the potential of using heels as a lethal weapon that has proved to be very effective against the enemy for all our female agents.

OthersAgent-BB210 passed me a coding device presumably belonging to the enemy which may contain vital information beneficial to our Intelligence department. Perhaps it was my vast experience during my day in Counter-Intelligence that I was able to successfully unlock the device. Click picture* to see the documented archive of the unlocking process.

Prospect
Obviously a very intelligent person but perhaps not ready for field assignments yet. Will be an asset in the Intelligence Department and also recommend Agent-Hitomi to personally train her in the handling of the Heels, which is a pre-requisite for all female agents to pass the BHHP (Basic Heels Handling Proficiency) test.

AGENT-J

* If you have no idea whatsoever about the puzzle device, please do not download the video clip as it would be a waste of your bandwidth and time. Sorry!

- Voxeros

1. Jaschocolate left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 9:47 am

LOL!!! Hahaha.. i am speechless.. :p

2. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 11:22 am :: 

Jaschocolate: Never imagined yourself to be a secret agent hor? ;)

3. faythxz left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 11:45 am

hahaha, u never fail to deliver

4. vanna left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 1:05 pm

very good
keep it up
churn it :)

5. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 2:27 pm :: 

faythxz: Heh heh... at the rate my imagination is going into overdrive, people may start thinking that I am on drugs or something....

Vanna: Stay tuned, you are up next!

6. akk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 4:52 pm

pwah! did you rehearse? that looks fantastically professional!

7. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 6:18 pm :: 

Akk: Rehearse? Nah... but I did have to practice unlocking it smoothly though.

8. hitomi left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 6:30 pm

Wah, since when I oso agent? *scratch head*

9. Jaschocolate left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 8:50 pm

No, my brain too small to imagine.. AND I THOUGHT THE PUZZLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFICULT?!! How come so easy to solve one.. Wau Lao..

10. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 10:01 pm :: 

hitomi: Wah... you sidekick Agent-SSK neber inform you of your new posting ah?
He and I need to have a good talk about this....

Jaschocolate: I guess it was a stroke of luck to correctly guess that "Centrifugal Force" is the key to solving the puzzle lor.
Heng heng lor!

11. Jaschocolate left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 8:05 am

Heng your head.. *Bish*

12. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 10:59 am :: 

Jaschocolate: 你好象有暴力倾向 leh..... 整天 bish 来 bish 去.

-__-"

J-Files Case# 543.534 - Operation: Covert Conversion

For those who are new to the J-Files Case Series, please read this first.

---

- STAFF IN CONFIDENCE -

Secret Location: HMT, 26 Dec 2005 0020 ZULU

To:All Heads Of Department, Global Investigations Legion Attaché (G.I.L.A.)

I've just returned from an intelligence gathering assignment in accordance to the directive from the top was to seek talented individuals to be recruited into the organisation.

So far, I have created a dossier of 4 potential candidates which I shall be reviewing over the week. Each report will consist of a background brief of the subject target followed by a SWOP analysis.

Below is a list of the 4 candidates:

• Agent BB210 - The Power Psychic
• Agent 66 - The Winter Green Apple
• Agent AKK - The Undercover Finger
• Agent Nadnut - The Serial Cow Killer

All comments and inputs will be greatly appreciated in our efforts to build a team of the finest agents.

This is just the preliminary report of which, I shall be undergoing a second reconnaissance trip a month later. You will be updated accordingly as soon as the in-depth report is ready.

Yours sincerely,

AGENT-J

- STAFF IN CONFIDENCE -

- Voxeros

1. akk left...

Monday, 26 December 2005 10:52 pm

the undercover FINGER??!! *sheltered mid-fing* >P

2. vanna left...

Monday, 26 December 2005 10:58 pm

hahahaha
aiyoh
why got GREEN APPLE again
hurhurhur
:)

3. JayWalk left...

Monday, 26 December 2005 11:14 pm ::

akk: Ok, I really don't WANT to know what you do with that finger....
.... ok... I do want to know.... :P

Vanna: Green apple your signature mah..... you are up for Wednesday's slot.

4. nadnut left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 1:11 am

wat wednesday slot?

5. Zhe Bin left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 2:01 am

Angelina Jolie!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 December 2005 9:30 am :: 

nadnut: Come and see for yourself here on Wednesday lor! 

Zhe Bin: Relak lah.... you excitable little boy. tsk tsk....

J-Files Case# 882.732 - Operation Crimson Cattle (Supplement)

I supposed a lot of people catch no ball when I did the J-Files Case# 882.732 - Operation Crimson Cattle piece.

As such, a bit of background information is in order for the benefit of those who have been scratching their heads since.

It all started with an MSN chat with Nadnut (see below) when I blurted that I am able to write about anything and everything. The gauntlet of challenge was thrown and I realised a foot-in-mouth as soon as she set "Nadnut" as the topic. Hong gan liao.

Fortunately, by a stroke of sheer dumb luck of inspiration, I managed to come up with the Secret Agent plotline. Not quite the 1000-word piece that she demanded but at 600+ words, buay pai liao lah...

So now you know.

Session Start : Tue Nov 15 09:27:38 2005 [10:00] JayWalk: i turned the gig down coz i cannot write under pressure. [10:00] JayWalk: sure haywire one..... [10:00] Nadnut: yeah roh [10:03] Nadnut: wat do u write? [10:03] JayWalk: i dun mean short stories like yours. [10:03] JayWalk: i mean stuff on my blog. [10:04] JayWalk: or give me a topic. any topic and i can crunch it out easily. [10:04] JayWalk: as long as i get myself into the "zone" [10:06] Nadnut: hahaa [10:06] Nadnut: any topic ah? [10:06] JayWalk: well....almost..... [10:06] Nadnut: i give u one topic u write? [10:06] Nadnut: hahahaa [10:07] JayWalk: don't give me topic like yeast infection and i will be fine... [10:07] Nadnut: ... [10:07] Nadnut: topic = nadnut [10:07] Nadnut: wahahhahahaahaa [10:07] JayWalk: ok. [10:07] JayWalk: Nadnut's Nut. [10:09] JayWalk: i think i will write about Nadnut after i meet her. [10:09] JayWalk: what d;ya think? [10:10] Nadnut: hahaa [10:10] Nadnut: stalling! [10:10] JayWalk: ok ok ... fine..... hmmppttt [10:10] Nadnut: hahaha Session Close (Nadnut): Tue Nov 15 12:24:01 2005

- Voxeros

1. nadnut left...

Monday, 21 November 2005 7:16 pm

wwahahaha. *cough*

2. akk left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 9:39 am

and a great job was done, man! hurrah! heheheh...

3. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 10:18 am ::

nadnut: Cough cough har? Go drink some redbull to soothe your throat ok?

Akk: I tell har, it was sheer luck. I was mulling over it for over a day and nothing, nada, zero, geero, zilch.
Then a sudden gush of shit to the brain and out came the 600+-word piece in 10 minutes. Heng ah...

4. mht left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 2:19 pm

so this is what it is all about. from a challenge by Nadnut.

5. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 4:23 pm ::

mht: Yup so now you know. The supplement was an after-thought since private jokes will exclude a lot of other people. Not nice lah....
You want, you also can do a Agent MHT piece.

6. mht left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 9:52 pm

tks but no tks.

7. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 10:34 pm :: 

mht: Awww... party pooper... :P

8. nadnut left...

Tuesday, 22 November 2005 11:40 pm

yeah lah! party pooper! booooo

J-Files Case# 882.732 - Operation Crimson Cattle

Secret Location: HMT, 17 Nov 2005 1302 ZULU

Agent-S2: Agent-J, Sir!

Agent-J: Ahh.. good to see you. What do you have for me from this intelligence gathering assignment?

Agent-S2: Yes Sir and we have also acquired a target that we are now closely monitoring.

Name: Nad Crystel.
Espionage Category: Freelance Mercenary.
Background: Ex-Cop*.
Age: 21.
Street Callsign: "Nadnut".

Our codebreakers are currently deciphering what it means but we are speculating that it is probably Nadnut = Gonad + Nut = Testicles.

Agent-J: Ahh... so it's a guy.

Agent-S2: Er.. Sir, it's a girl.

Agent-J: *sputter* A girl with BALLS?!!!

Agent-S2: Sir, I hope you meant that in the figurative sense.

Agent-J: *cough* But of course. *cough cough*

Agent-S2: If I may proceed, Agent Nadnut is an expert of disguises. She has the ability to transform into different people but also people of different gender. But the ultimate piece de resistance in her identity deception repertoire is her ability to transform into different animals. Sir, please see the screen for the various shots that we managed to take while on surveillance. See how she is able to transform from man to woman? Next slide, please.

[Click]

Agent-S2: See how she is able to transform from genie to angel to gingerbread man? Or from human to cow to bird to dragon?

Agent-J: By Josh! You're right. She is definitely unrivaled in this field! What else?

Agent-S2: We also managed earlier to hack into her Field Log at BlogSpot but our cover was blown when we were exposed. She later shut it down and move to another undisclosed location. Sir, you would be proud of us when we say that we managed to keep pace with her and also managed to hack into her new site. We are, however, more careful this time and have been undetected since.

Agent-J: Go on.

Agent-S2: She is also very accomplished in combat. Her eyes alone can disarm any man within 10 ft and her weapon of choice is the Liquid Blade where a master-stroke of the keyboard and she can write you off the face of the Earth. Our intelligence reports also indicated that she is also presently working on the Roller Blade which would enhanced her mobility significantly. There is still some time before she can fully harness this device. We need to stop her fast!

Agent-J: Now we need to know more about who exactly she is and what is her next course of movement.

Agent-S2: A current Singapore passport holder, she is of Malay and Chinese descend. Agent Nadnut not only has very established connections to the media, but also very well connected internationally. From her Field Log, we managed to track her every movement. She was last seen in Holland Village, armed with a Finnish communicator** ordering Chinese Dumplings in a California Kitchen.

Agent-J: Hmm... a modern day Carmen SanDiego. A rare gem indeed!

Agent-S2: We also have intelligence from an underground informant that she is due to receive a batch of RedBull from Hong Kong next month. The transaction is due to take place in a Russian restaurant in the Far East*** under the watchful eyes of the Hainanese****. We heard that there may also be a batch of Malaysian bubble-gum transacted as well.

Agent-J: Yes, I have heard of that restaurant. I bet she'd would also go through the sacrificial cow ceremony and seal off the meeting with a Bomba Alaska.

Agent-S2: That's it! Bomba Alaska! So this is what it's all about! Sir, you're a genius!

Agent-J: Good work, Agent-S2. We must leave as soon as possible. Prepare the itinerary!

Agent-S2: Yes Sir. Right away, Sir.

Agent-J: We need to intercept that that Malaysian bubble-gum....


Glossary
* Cop. = N.P.C.C.
** Finnish Communicator = Nokia Phone
*** Far East = Far East Shopping Centre
**** Hainanese = Hainanese Waiters

- Voxeros

1. z left...

Thursday, 17 November 2005 2:58 pm

have received word that the operation may have been blown due to a leak in communications. also, this message "ze canadians want their sense of humour back."
=)

2. mihuatang left...

Thursday, 17 November 2005 2:59 pm

you not scare wait she unleash her "sistahood of torture" on you ah? (hmmm...maybe it is not workable outside the bar)

3. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 17 November 2005 3:15 pm :: 

z: To retort the Canadians I shall respond with an "Ay?"

mihuatang: No scared lah. Only turtle scared hammer.

4. Lynne left...

Thursday, 17 November 2005 9:24 pm

How "a boot" those Canadians?!
Nadnut is a pretty "mixed" :)

5. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 17 November 2005 9:35 pm :: 

Lynne: Man... how did Canadian get into this? The mix in Nadnut makes her an exotic hottie. Yes?

6. Lynne left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 3:33 am

Dunno, as long as somebody mentions them, must say something lah ... Yeah, she's sizzling hot ... You see, no touch, OK?

7. JayWalk left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 7:31 am :: 

Lynne: Of course see, no touch lah. In fact, I will go one step further.
I will see, no touch, nose bleed. hahahaha.

8. Audit Krimson Kake left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 10:44 am

Rumours from the Underworld have uncovered connections with Asian Carmen S's purported receipt of HK redbull in the coming month to a atas-flying agent currently manhandling Operation Crimson Cattle. Audit C(K)rimson C(K)ake Corp. has detected a mole/perpetrator/tua-pai-lang in your midst. Agent J, you are under investigation.... >P

9. Zhe Bin left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 11:36 am

Haha! You can pull a lot of stuffs out of your a** I think. = P Anyway how was your tournament?

10. winter left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 2:06 pm

u r so sweeeeeeeeeet
i bet it makes her lafff
:P

11. JayWalk left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 2:43 pm :: 

AKK: Roger that Agent AKK. I have since activated Agents CJD and DEEK to look into this.
This will be a new project of the Covert Ops classification. Please get your clearance mustered at once.
We will meet again at POD at the RelAKK One Corner.

12. JayWalk left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 3:01 pm ::

Zhe Bin: Well, it helps that I am right-brained. Creative juices just flow a tad easier for me.
In other words, I tok kok king lah... wahahahaa....

Winter: Like I said, just lucky to be at the right place right time. This was geared towards cheering her up from her Bar fight. Merely coincidence.

13. JayWalk left...

Friday, 18 November 2005 3:05 pm ::

Zhe Bin: Forgot to answer the tournament bit. Same answer as usual. I crapped out. Haiz....
I thot I turned the corner when I came in 3rd and 4th in the last two tournaments. Now back to the bottom half again..... oh well....

14. nadnut left...

Saturday, 19 November 2005 12:05 am :: http://nadnut.liquidblade.com

hor hor hor. agent nadnut has found out about your plans!

15. JayWalk left...

Saturday, 19 November 2005 8:36 am :: 

nadnut: This is not good. Our cover is compromised. Agent Nadnut must be neutralised.
Let this be a warning shot to a worthy adversary.
Watch your nuts. We are coming after them... :P

16. agent nadnut left...

Saturday, 19 November 2005 10:33 am :: http://nadnut.liquidblade.com

neutralised?!
u wait long long! with redbull, i can fly! u better watch YOUR nuts. there is a reason why i'm called agent nadnut right? ;)

17. JayWalk left...

Saturday, 19 November 2005 11:10 am :: 

Nadnut: One word now, all thanks to you.
Shriveled. :(

18. nadnut left...

Sunday, 20 November 2005 5:53 am :: http://nadnut.liquidblade.com

shrivelled? o.O

19. JayWalk left...

Sunday, 20 November 2005 8:04 am ::

Nadnut: Not o.0.

More like ** .

Wahahahaha....

J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Supplement 1)

Secret Location: WJX, 26 Sep 2006 1245 ZULU

We broke for lunch and my two local agents brought me to a nearby restaurant. I went "Uh-oh..." as I stepped out the car when I see a pictures of donkeys pasted all over the windows.

Yes, that's right, I am about to go eat a donkey. Supposedly a local delicacy here but I can't help but think if there was silent dissent below the ranks.

First, we were presented with the steamboat with the broth generously ladled with spices. The first plate was donkey meat, the normal parts (Picture left), and I took the first piece after letting it cook in the steamboat for a few minutes. It tasted quite good and chewy but I couldn't help noticed the silent snickering of the 2 agents seated opposite me. They must be thinking (silently, of course)...

Kiss My Ass.

Lick My Ass.

You Suck Ass.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the next plate was, horrors of all horrors, Donkey Dong! Luckily they sliced it up before bringing to the table (Picture right) or I really won't know how to go about eating it, if it were one SINGLE piece. I'd probably grab it and slap the two agents with it.

I was silently cursing: Nin Nah Beh... kio lim peh Kum Bey Lan.....

Not wanting to lose face, I bravely took a piece from the steamboat and ate it. Sigh... Literally chwee tat lan.

As I was chewing it, I was like "Eh? Buay pai leh... quite nice to eat leh...." and then I did the unthinkable after stuffing my mouth with a donkey's dick.

I swallowed.

Siao liao... I think I going gay liao....

All these while, these 2 si nong kiahs sitting opposite me were grinning like 2 silly monkeys all throughout the lunch.

"Nairmind..." I thought to myself. "I am sooooo going to send the two of you to Tikrit."

- Voxeros

1. Jaslyn left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 1:33 am :: http://precious-jas.blogspot.com

Very nb de brave sia Papa J!!!!

2. Meepok left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:18 am

When in China, I typically don't want to ask what I'm eating. If it's in the plate and the locals eat it, I assume it's edible. With this philosophy, I probably would have eaten half the animal species in Singapore zoo. No wonder my IQ keeps dropping.

3. nadnut left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:54 am :: http://nadnut.blogspot.com

wahhahaa. so i guess ull definitely swallow and not spit. heh.
anyway, wats sio hoon kee ?

4. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:04 am :: 

Jaslyn: *sniff* Mouth no more virgin liao. *sniff*

Meepok: The old cantonese saying goes "If it's back faces the sun, it is edible."
Joke all we want but we also need to think how this came about. Perhaps it was sheer hunger and poverty that they were driven to eating anything and everything for the sake of survival?

Take this other story for example.

I have heard of this Cambodian business man who has a farm breeding tarantula spiders for his restaurant.

He was a prisoner during the Khmer Rouge regime back then when he was spared his life.

The condition however, was that he was to be abandoned in the middle of the jungle and it is up to him to decide if he is going to survive.

He resorted to eating the tarantulas.

When the Khmer Rouge were gone and he returned to civilisation, he kept reminiscing about how yummy the spiders were and hence decided to start a business selling them as food.

5. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:17 am :: 

Nadnut: Yeah... I think everybody should swallow and not spit...
.... donkey meat lah.... what were you thinking? :P
btw, sio = burn = smoke; hoon kee = cigarette.

6. akk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:24 am

swallow and not spit!!! muahahaha....Jay! U and nad both made my day siah! fantastic start to Drudgery Wednesday, must stifle the sniggering in the office...wah lau...

7. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:20 am ::

Akk: I think I got the "longer" end of the straw. I kena the donkey. Oh the trauma!

8. milktea left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 12:31 pm

I once ate snake meat and it was quite deli, tastes like chicken. this is the first time I heard someone ate donkey meat. so how does it taste like?

9. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 12:42 pm :: 

milktea: Over here "秋风吹，三蛇肥". Next month, when the weather cools, it will be season to eat snake. Deep fried are the nicest.

Then again, no need to wait so long lah. I everyday also jia juar one.. kekekeke....

10. faythxz left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 2:32 pm

OMG!!!! or should i say Wah Lan Eh haha....i would never have swollowed that! i refuse to even eat the "ha ma la si"

11. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 3:54 pm :: 

faythxz: Wah lan eh is right! I couldn't have put it any better. Perhaps maybe simi lan jiao?
Ok ok... this blog is getting too coarse liao. ~lol.
p.s. er... What is "ha ma la si"?

12. chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:32 pm

aiyo, 'yi xing bu xing'
any 'reaction' after eating that?
btw, i like the 'salty fried snake meat' (jiao yan she) too. beri, beri good!

13. chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:41 pm

are you currently in north eastern china (dong-bei)?

14. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:43 pm ::

Chen Deneng: Bor leh...morning wake up still like that leh... I think if I wake up see donkey, I die heart attack siah. ~LOL

15. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 4:48 pm ::

Chen Deneng: ShiJiaZhuang to be exact. But come back liao.

16. Chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:26 pm

ya, then u can go us of a to join lockson liao!
his 'horse' vs yr 'donkey'!

17. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:38 pm :: 

Chen Deneng: Hahahaha..... I KNEW that was going to come up sooner or later. ~LOL

18. Chendeneng left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 5:59 pm

i am too predictable for you liao!
must change tact.

19. The Hungry Bunny left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 6:05 pm :: http://thehungrybunny.blogspot.com

ewww. disgusting can?

20. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 6:44 pm :: 

Chen Deneng: It has to come out eventually (no pun intended). Glad you had the honour to let it out.
 
Oook... that did not come out right....

The Hungry Bunny: Over here, considered mild already... got lagi more ewwwww one....

21. Lynne left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 8:49 pm

Seriously? Wow, must try ... yeah rightttt! Next time, they will treat you to a owl steamboat, yeah, an owl, the one that hoots at night.

22. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 9:14 pm :: 

Lynne: Er.... tastes like chicken? I think I can stomach that as long as the bird don't stare back at me.
Bat I eaten before already and so I think owl can handle lah... Just don't do the hoot hoot while in the steamboat can liao.

23. hitomi left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:06 pm

eeeeeeeeeeeee..................

24. JayWalk left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 11:47 pm ::

hitomi: In all fairness hor, not bad lah... just need to overcome the psychological factor lor.

25. faythxz left...

Thursday, 29 September 2005 10:28 am

it the lai ha ma (toad) sold in packs like ready snacks with the full toad shape and even the toes!!! i can handle frog legs cos u can't see the toes and the body just the leg but this is a full toad YUCKS

26. JayWalk left...

Thursday, 29 September 2005 12:19 pm ::

faythxz: Toad not poisonous meh? I do know that some of the native Indians of America used to lick the skins of a particular species of toad to get high. Some sort of narcotics for them. 

I think I don't have the stomach to eat a toad too.

J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Part 2)

Continuing from earlier episode...

Secret Location: WTP, 25 Sep 2005 2100 ZULU

It was an hour before I arrived at my Tactical HQ disguised as the World Trade Plaza hotel.

Agent AP1: Welcome to GILA Tactical HQ. We have arranged the 16th floor to be your Ops Room.

Agent-J: Thank you. I see you guys have done a good job here. The hotel looks full. Better to allow us to disappear into the crowd.

Agent AP1: There is a Journalist Convention going on this week and the place is packed with them.

Agent-J: Ahh... the perfect cover for me.

Agent AP1: ?

Agent-J: I blogger mah... so I technically also considered journalist what.

Agents AP1 & AP2: -_-"

Agent-J: It's a joke lah. Not funny meh?

Agents AP1 & AP2: -_-"

Agent-J: May I remind you that your annual appraisal is due soon and I was wondering what to write... Perhaps I should recommend that you two go for the Whack-a-Terrorist Facility (WTF) course in Tikrit...

Agents AP1 & AP2: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!

Agent-J: :)

Secret Location: WJX, 26 Sep 2005 0940 ZULU

We hit the ground running when we reached Camp Burgundy Buffalo as I headed straight to verify my identity with another submission of my DNA sample (Picture left).

We set up all our equipment and went into the production lab and started tracing the manufacturing process from the start.

This is the drum where all the raw hides are tumbled inside to remove all the hair, lipids, pigment, warts and all.

At the end of the tumbling, all leather, be they black, brown or machiam like Gateway computer carton box, will all look like this. It's white with a tinge of blue. Perhaps this is where Cow Peh Cow Blue originated? The reason for needing to remove all the color is so that you are able to have a consistent colour with every piece. Just like having a fresh white sheet of canvas with every new painting.

This is the spray conveyor that does the colour magic.

In order to get Burgundy, we have to go through many process of coats. This brown here is the base coat. The first of many steps towards the final colour.

Once we got the final colour, it is sent to another tumbler for softening.

It's one last coat of sheen before hanging them up to dry.

Along every stage, we need to take readings of the color to ensure that it stays on the path towards the final Burgundy.

The very last reading is the most important as it will decide whether it is a go or no go. Delta-E at 0.88 is not exactly ideal (that would be 0.60 or less) but we deemed it good enough to begin mass production.

Mission Accomplished.

Secret Location: SJW, 27 Sep 2005 1125 ZULU

I returned to the airport where the local command centre was and  the wireless PDA sprang to life.

> *** START OF MESSAGE *** > Assignment: Accomplished and Completed. > Agent Status: Deactivated and Return to Civilian Status. > *** END OF MESSAGE ***

Hi, my name is JayWalk. Did I miss much this couple of days?

... Next up. The Supplement - My Mouth No More Virgin. Click Here.

- Voxeros

1. akk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:59 pm

Brilliant post, man, esp the WTF... The whole colouring process is damn interesting also! So that small white box is the extremely expensive colorimeter? wah lau....
and what will happen to the rejected leather? throw away?

2. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 11:07 pm :: 

Akk: Aww gee... *blush*. Thanks for the pat on the back.
Anyway, when leather is rejected, it goes back to the conveyor to be corrected if the colour is too light.
If it is too dark, then the tannery needs to start looking for customers to buy the "new" colour, usually at a very heavily discounted rate.
This is why, we calibrate colour very carefully.

3. hitomi left...

Wednesday, 28 September 2005 10:07 pm

interesting! :)

J-Files Case# 802.11a - Operation Burgundy Buffalo (Part 1)

Secret Location: HMT, 23 Sep 2005 1530 ZULU

It was a balmy summer afternoon when the courier dropped off a wireless PDA at my desk. On it was a cryptic message.

> The witch bitch has a twitch itch in her snitch.

To which I key-in the reply:

> The meek deek has the cheek to sneak peek the creek.

Next the screen cleared only to be replaced with the confirmation message.

> *** START OF MESSAGE *** > Assignment: Approved and In Progress. > Agent Status: Re-activated and Verified. > Ops Code: Burgundy Buffalo > Ops Brief: Burgundy Buffalo's calibration has in recent weeks, exhibited an unusual anomaly in the spectral readings. > Ops Objective: Investigation and rectification. > *** END OF MESSAGE ***

The word "re-activated" means that I am back on active duty nominal roll.

My name is no longer JayWalk.

I am Agent-J of the Global Investigations Legion Attaché (G.I.L.A)

Without hesitation, I got my flight arrangement all settled with the help of Agent T.A.G.* and I was ready to roll.

Secret Location : CAN, 25 Sep 2005 1430 ZULU

Reached the airport under heavy police escort smoothly in slightly over an hour. Our directive to stay low profile was shot to bits with the escorts flashing their lights and blaring their sirens all through the highway. Then again, maybe over here in Ch1na, getting all the police lights blazing and sirens blaring IS BLENDING INTO THE ENVIRONMENT. Oh well...

I checked in with the G.I.L.A Briefing Centre and was met by the local agent holding my Assignment Docket.

Agent-P.M.B.: Good afternoon, Sir. I am Agent-P.M.B.** and I am your Point-man at CAN. Shall we proceed?

Agent-J: Hang on a minute, less do this outside.

Agent-P.M.B.: Sir, I can assured you that we are in the secure area. We have cleared the area and we are swept of all bugs. Do you suspect otherwise?

Agent-J: No. I prefer to take this outside in the open.

Agent-P.M.B.: Why is that, Sir?

Agent-J: Lim Peh need to sio hoon kee.

Agent-P.M.B.: -_-"

Once we stepped outside, I fished out two pieces of green film and stuck one on the roof of my mouth and one on my tongue, before reaching for my pack of Mild Seven and lighter. I lit up with ease while Agent-P.M.B. was struggling with the strong winds outside.

Agent-P.M.B.: What are the 2 films that you stick into your mouth and what high-tech lighter are you using that allows you to overcome the strong winds?

Agent-J: This is the Olafactory Atmospheric Detoxifier Film and this is a Palm Bunsen.

Agent-P.M.B.: Ola-what? Palm-what?

Agent-J: Listerine Breath Strip and wind proof lighter lah.

Agent-P.M.B.: -_-"

I offered two strips and my lighter to the obviously floored-with-awe colleague who thus experienced what is known as the "Super Menthol" hoon kee.

At about this time, another junior agent appeared with my access cards*** and my check-in process was completed. I decided we continue this briefing at the Command Centre****. My personnel carrier***** took us all the way through security and I had quite a bit of problem with the X-Rays as airport security was visibly concerned with all the electronics that I am carrying with me. It wasn't before I said the secret password, "Jee Gey Yarn", that they decided to clear me through.

I arrived at the Command Centre and due to the recent unrests all over the world, access security was raised several notch. I had to submit my DNA sample (picture left) and a biometric palm scan (picture right below) before I was given the clearance to entry.

After the briefing, I proceeded to make my way to our private jet. Our tRUSTY MD-82 was in bad but operational shape. The tatters of the door-sealing trim was fluttering to the dance of the winds while I could see that the pilot has decided to make do with newspapers as window shades. Sigh.... bladdy Top Brass upstairs probably dropped the ball on our annual defense budget again. Haiz....

As I boarded the aircraft, I was pleased, while at the same time peeved, to discover that my reputation has far preceded me.

An Agent-Under-New-Training-Initiative-(Entry-level) (A.U.N.T.I.E.) was assigned to sit next to me. Probably HQ's subtle way of telling me to keep my hands to myself. Nah beh.... I was so hoping to get a Senior-Liaison-Under-Training (S.L.U.T.). Now wouldn't that brighten things a little bit. No?

5-minutes into take-off and AUNTIE was really showing signs of an entry-level agent as she reached for the air-sickness bag, putting it on stand-by. I hope she pulls through. I really do. I REALLY REALLY do.

It was a three-hour flight and I was glad to arrive without incident. AUNTIE made it without the air-sickness bag. I think I was more happy than she was relieved.

Secret Location : SJW, 25 Sep 2005 1920 ZULU

I was met with Agent AP1 and Agent AP2 ****** who whisked me away from the airport into the darkness....

... Click here to proceed to Part 2.


Glossary
* T.A.G. = Travel Agent Girl
** P.M.B. = Print My Boarding-Pass
*** Access Cards = Boarding-Pass and Lounge Invitation
**** Command Centre = VIP Lounge
***** Personnel Carrier = Airport Buggy
****** AP = Ah Pui

- Voxeros

1. chendeneng left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 11:19 am

simi lai-eh
machiam like reading "the secret life of walter mitty"
tks

2. zeenie left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 1:59 pm

nice..... can't wait for the next part(s)!

3. akk left...

Monday, 26 September 2005 5:51 pm

hopes for SLUTs dashed....pity... :)

4. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 12:56 am :: 

Chen Deneng: Read on lah... so kancheong?

Zeenie: I think I will do the blog tomorrow. Too damn tired to do it today.

Akk: Yah lor.... I also say.... :P

5. vanna left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:20 pm

u very creative hor.. hahahaha
see already want to laff

6. JayWalk left...

Tuesday, 27 September 2005 10:46 pm ::

Vanna: Heh heh... glad you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for Part 2 and more.