20 February 2006

The Mile High Crap

Warning: Cheap, crude, slapstick toilet humour ahead. Proceed at your own risk!

Here I am sitting like the Thinker with the toilet door just inches away from my face. Yes, people. I am crapping. Not figuratively, but literally.

Ok fine. I don't have a laptop with me in the toilet if that's what you are asking and so I won't be giving a live play-by-play commentary on one of the most basic necessity in life. Happy Now?

I am just drafting this in my head as my mind wander beyond the confines of this claustrophobic little cubicle at 35,000 ft in the air over the Pacific.

Then again, plugging in a laptop may not be a bad idea for after all, does anyone ever notice that there is this 115v power outlet in the toilet that nobody every uses? I think by bringing in a laptop and plugging it in would be doing the airline a great service as I am helping them fully utilise their resources. No?

Too bad, I am aboard some crappy (no pun intended) airline where wireless broadband is not available yet. Or else it would be a great feature to advertise on their brochure. I can see it now.... "Come Shit and Surf with XXX Airlines". Heck, they only just gotten video-on-demand (VOD) and tooting their horn about it like it was the latest invention ever. Geez!

Anyway, here I am, kinda stuck in this little cubicle. I am being held ransom by Mr Brownie. It is refusing to come out. Here's the situation. In order for us humans to breathe properly at such a high altitude, the cabin must be pressurised. The problem is that while Mr Brownie here is trying to come out, the air outside is trying to push it back in. Not exactly cooperating if you know what I am saying. You better do before I start drawing to illustrate my point! Oh well, looks like I am going to be stuck here a little longer than expected. Screw the people who are queuing outside. There are other cubicles other than mine. Besides, after I am done, nobody should go in immediately. Oxygen masks high recommended!

Coming back, I look around the cubicle and can't help but feel the stupidity of the infamous Mile-High-Club. For the uninitiated, the membership into the club is when you have sex in the air. Given that the plane cabin is a public place (lest of course if you are one of the lucky bastards to have your own private jet), most of the deed is done in the toilet cubicle. I appraise the available space in this cubicle and wander "How the f*ck (no pun intended again) to do it properly?". Shiok meh? I believe that pressurised air heightens one's experience during orgasm is merely an urban legend. Anyone care to verify?

I am taking one of the older planes. It is a Boeing 747-200 or 742 for short. One characteristic of the old plane is that the toilet flushing system isn't one of the super vacuum suction system. It is the classic "Blue Water" system. The thing about the blue water is that once it gets on the skin, it stains it. Hence the metallic flap at the bottom of the bowl to prevent the Blue Water from splashing up and turn your brown starfish blue during turbulence as well as break the turd's fall from making a big splash.

So there it was, flapping incessantly in delightful harmony with the aircraft's vibrations. Clank! Clank! Clank! It's driving me nuts. So I took a piece of toilet paper and threw down and the clanking stopped as it kept the metal flap ajar.

Big Mistake.

With the flap opened, I can see the Blue Water below swooshing menacingly as I am literally caught with my pants down. A major turbulent bump and I will have a blue ass that would make Homo Smurf happy like shit (where all these puns come from??!).

10 minutes passed and 2 MaLing button mushrooms later. Haiz... I really need to get out before people start pounding on my door. I guess I will adjourn this when I get onto the ground in Minneapolis (Hi Lynne! I'm gonna crap in your backyard!)

KNS! (Last pun. Promise!)

Image Credit:
- Voxeros

1. spellbound left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 3:30 am ::
Wah! machiam old plane leh. Which airline did you travel on? northwest? anyway, i came to know about the mile-high-club not long ago, it is amazing how they can literally do it in the cubicle. I think they most probably do it in one of those cubicle meant for diaper change coz usually those cubicles are slightly wider.

2. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 3:40 am :: 
Spellbound: Yeah. NW airlines. Cheapest that I can get my hands on out of HK.
Going to clock 1 million miles with them soon. 2008?

3. spellbound left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 4:25 am ::
wah, then you must have alot of airtickets from mileage redemption! do you use or you sell them?

4. jaschocolate left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 6:42 am
he swallow them..

5. aloe left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 9:25 am
err... *censored* ask your wife to try it with you la... then you know whether it's possible to perform... mile high club... *hack hack* *close censor*
If they really have broadband, then everybody will hog the toilets and nobody can go in, everybody will shit at their seats.... imagine the smell... *eeeks!!*

6. kIm left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 9:52 am
wah piang. thank goodness I haven't eaten my breakfast yet. I'll never look at brownies in the same way after this entry. \
The poor people queuing outside your cubicle. I sympthatise with them. I can imagine that they will be gas-ed out if they step in immediately after you.

7. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 10:25 am ::
spellbound: I use them to upgrade to Business Class from my economy ticket.

Anna: I think we would die of embarrassment when we find ourselves stuck inside and needed to be rescued.

kIm: aiyah... there are many other cubicles lah... besides passenger to toilet ratio in Biz class a bit more lax lah. :)

8. akk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 10:28 am
wah many puns with toilet humour...and if i remember correctly, those toilets cannot put tissue in rite? i remember they say will clog....

9. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 10:31 am ::
Akk: Can lah.. the paper if you notice properly, is 1-ply one.
If cannot flush then stick on the mirror har?

10. mht left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 11:06 am
i think the socket is for shavers.
not qualify for mile high(sex) club , then join mile high (wank) club lor!
drink more water and fruit juices and less of those free liquors, then yr bowel movement shd be better.
i normally read a magazine in there!

11. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 11:11 am :: 
mht: Yah sockets are meant for shavers but nowadays who the hell still uses shaver that needs to be plugged in??
You Mile-High Wank Clubber? Any difference from the usual tug?
As for the poop. Turned out ok liao on my second connection from Narita to Minneapolis. Perhaps the early attempt was anxiety issue with tonnes of people waiting outside?
So many people, cannot perform lah. wahahahah...

12. winter left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 1:27 pm
luckily i saw this before i ate anything
sure puke :P

13. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 1:38 pm :: 
winter: You so easily affected one meh?

14. Jaschocolate left...
Tuesday, 21 February 2006 2:11 pm
Winter dear, i was eating my breakfast when i read this... I must swallow before i burst out laughing... haha

Jay daddy: you cannot "perform" ah.. better see a doc quick, ok?

15. winter left...
Wednesday, 22 February 2006 4:43 pm
i as usual BERY easily affected

16. JayWalk left...
Wednesday, 22 February 2006 9:38 pm :: 
Winter: Ahhh you also like me one. Need peace of mind one. :)

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