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03 April 2005

Being A Bloke

I guess I am writing this in response to Sheena's "Being A Girl".

Let me just go straight to the list of Loves and Loathes before I offer my take on the whole parcel of observations.





5 Reasons Being A Bloke Damn Jialat.

1) Boners.

Like Hai~Ren so aptly put. These things er... the boners come and go as they pleases. Unfortunately also at times when it is most inappropritate. Like when you are at the spa getting a massage (ahem... the clean ones lah... ) and it's time to turn over. Die lah......

On another sub-topic, I had the unfortunate experience of walking down Orchard Road on a weekend. The place was packed with people and I was crossing the street at the traffic lights towards Heeren. So there we were walking briskly to get across and there is this woman who walked with her arms swinging almost like she was marching in the national day parade. Then one of her backswing langah into me "straight and centre". She turned around to give me the dirty, filthy, you-are-so-going-to-burn-in-hell look. Alamak AUNTIE! Please lah.... you give yourself too much credit liao lah. A smile from you (regardless of how creepy that would be), would have been more appropriate. Still I kena blamed. Sigh...

2) Double Standards

- If a guy opens the door for a lady. It is expected. If not, he was not brought up properly.
- If a girl gets drunk early at 9pm. No biggie. If a guy gets drunk at 9pm, he's a wimp.
- If a guy pays a bit more attention to his dressing, he's gay.
- If a guy pays a bit more attention to his skin care, he's gay.
- If a girl asked how she looked. It is always a compliment. If a guy asked how he looked. It is always a brutally honest answer.
- If a girl throws a fit, she is PMS-ing. If a guy throws a fit, he is epileptic.
- If a girl shares secrets, it's gossip. If a guy shares secrets, it's "WAH LAO EH! YOU DAMN BLADDY VIRGIN MOUTH LEH YOU!!"

3) In The Sack

- If a guy kena the "Minute Man", what the hell is wrong with you?
- If he kena the "Never Ending Story", what the hell is wrong with you?
- If she didn't think it was good, what the hell is wrong with you?
- If you didn't think it was good, what the hell is wrong with you?
- Guys have to assign half their body weight to their elbows. Girls no need.

4) Restricted Zone

- Girlfriend look at cute guys can. Boyfriend look at cute girls cannot.
- This is an age-old cliché but not entirely untrue. Your money is her money. Her money is still her money.
- If girl breaks up with guy. She is dumping him. If guy breaks up with girl, he is an arsehole.
- Girls are restricted by their unwritten commandment against making the first move. This entire onus now becomes the sole burden of the guys, resulting in massive amounts of CCB*s. Guys also got feeling one leh.......

* Crush, crash, burn.

5) Small Little Things Here And There

- When a girl pouts, it's cute. When a guy pouts, it's creepy.
- When a girl flicks her hair, it's cute. When a guy flicks his hair, he needs a hair cut.
- When a girl cries, she gets what she wants. When a guy cries, it's because the girl got what she wanted.
- Computer spoil, get the guy to fix it. TV spoil, get the guy to fix it. iPod spoil, get the guy to fix it.


5 Reasons Heng Ah I'm A Guy

1) More Time

Any time, any where - Shopping gets done a lot quicker. We get in, get it, get out.
- Grooming time is short too. Since NS days, we are capable taking showers within 5 minutes. No, we won't missed any spot. We are just that efficient. Of course showers on normal days, can afford to be longer but if there is a real need to rush, just the shampoo (must be the 2-in-1 with conditioner type), the soap (must be the shower gel type, soap takes too long to lather) and the facial cleanser (must not have moisturiser or it would feel like the soap's never coming off. Actually, same for shower gel also).
- If real hard pressed for time, we can finish a meal in 2 to 3 mouths. Plus, the drink in 1 gulp..
- Guys can go out at the moment's notice. Ladies take, on average, 4 days, 13 hours, 44 minutes and 3.22 seconds to get "ready".

2) Mother Nature

- Guys are born to play sports. That is good for me, coz I enjoyed all kinds of sports very much.... except Cricket which I absolutely catch no ball.
- Guys can effortlessly change a car tire. There was this time when my buddy Derek and I were right outside Bar None when we found out we got a flat tire. We simply got out, popped the trunk, jacked the car, removed the flat, replaced the tire, unjacked the car, kept everything and closed the trunk in under 5 minutes. The queue of people at the door were impressed, not because of our speed and efficiency but the fact that we came out of it without breaking a sweat except for a pair of soot-stained hands.
- A guy's stomach is a natural trash compactor. We can eat anything and everything. From fried chicken skin to gee yao zhar (pork lard) cubes. Everything also eat. Stuff that the girlfriend cannot finish. We eat. The green cong (spring onion) that the girlfriend don't like. We eat. The coriander that the girlfriend don't eat. We eat.

3) Control Of The Body

- Guys have long been taught by their nagging mothers the ability to shut out noise. Yes, it's the famous "One Ear In, One Ear Out". For the more advanced disciples (like *cough* yours truly *cough cough*), it's the "One Ear No Go In".
- Other body parts that we can control is most notably the brain where we were trained during our National Service daze. That is the time where we learned how to switch off our brains, as opposed to Phua Chu Kang's "Use Your Blain!! Use your Blain!!"

Corporal : How the fuck did you guy screw up this simple mission so much?
Recruit: Corporal, we thought ...
Corporal: HAR? You "thought"?? YOU THOUGHT?? HAR-LOW, This is the army. The army dounch bring you here to THINK. All you sons of mothers better jolly well listen up. Here in the army, you just DO, don't think. Is that understood?
Recruits: YES COPPERLAH!
Corporal: To make sure all of you understand what is mean by "DO, don't think", all of you will DO 3 extras** this month. Knock it down now!
Recruits: YES COPPERLAH!

** Extra guard duties.
4) The Moody Brood

- The Moody Brood to guys is what the Tears, Pout and Whine is to girls. Likewise, also need to be used in moderation or else would be ineffective due to dilution. Girls like the strong, silent, stoic type of guy. And in the words of a Hong Kong lady friend who describes the trait as "wah, ho MAN wor!!!"***

This of course takes a bit of skill as to how to do it, when to do it and the finesse of the execution. Too little and it flies below the radar undetected. Too much and you will appear to be manic-depressive. Do it too soon or too late, may not yield your intended optimal impact. And lastly, the finesse and grace of carrying it out. Do it badly and it will backfire. Do it well and she becomes under your spell, for your manipulation. muahahaha.....

*** Wow, very MAN-ly, indeed.

5) Keeping It Simple.

- When bladder is high tide, anywhere, anyhow.
- When going out, wallet, keys and mobile phone will get you through the day.
- When in desperate times. You only need 1 thing in the bathroom for everything. Water.
- When making soup, we can have Campbell's first, then drink water later.
- We consider a burp, fart and sneeze as life's simple pleasures, though not all 3 concurrently.
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
Coz no balls to scratch.


I guess in a nutshell, it all evens up pretty squarely. And so I say, either way also buay pai.

- Voxeros

1. a reader left...
Sunday, 3 April 2005 8:40 pm
Bwahaha, totally hilarious!!

"A guy's stomach is a natural trash compactor. We can eat anything and everything. From fried chicken skin to gee yao zhar (pork lard) cubes. Everything also eat. Stuff that the girlfriend cannot finish. We eat. The green cong (spring onion) that the girlfriend don't like. We eat. The coriander that the girlfriend don't eat. We eat."

That one was the most funny!

You should also have added in that being a guy, you don't have to go through the arh-herm, monthly cycle.

missy-j
2. JayWalk left...
Sunday, 3 April 2005 8:48 pm
Well, the monthly BIG auntie is kinda of a given, since Sheena has already covered.

Besides, the guys would be suffering the week before and deprived the week during.

And so I guess that pretty much evens out.
3. a reader left...
Monday, 4 April 2005 1:58 am
hey man....hilarious....absolutely hilarious.

great post man.

ahdokboy
4. JayWalk left...
Monday, 4 April 2005 2:19 am
ahdokboy: Ah thank you, thank you. *takes a bow*

Glad that put a smile on you.

Cheers. (",)
5. a reader left...
Monday, 4 April 2005 4:10 pm
I love this, it's better and funnier than mine! Laugh like siao man. BTW, I'm my bf's garbage bin, he's very picky with food, so whatever he doesn't like (like the green stuff) I end up finishing for him. And the Moody Brood has been used sooooo much by the boyfriend that when he does it now, it's no longer sexy, but "sek-see" (say that aloud in Cantonese). =D

Merenwen
6. a reader left...
Monday, 4 April 2005 4:12 pm
"Guys have to assign half their body weight to their elbows. Girls no need."

Oei, for girl-on-top, we also have to assign half our body weight on our hands. Sometimes also must assign our entire body weight on our knees.

Merenwen
7. a reader left...
Tuesday, 5 April 2005 4:55 am
You're funny!

"When in desperate times. You only need 1 thing in the bathroom for everything. Water." I always wondered why guys can drink the water from the loo!

"famous "One Ear In, One Ear Out" - That is so true about most guys!

My favorite - the restricted zone!

anna
8. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 5 April 2005 8:06 am
Sheena: The reason your BF still uses the Mooody Brood so much is because till today, you're still a sucker for it. :P

Assignment of half body weight is our gentlemanly gesture of consideration so as not to provide discomfort to our partners.

Gee... I make it sound so cheem here.... yah lah... just don't want to crush you girls lah! So there.

Anna: My dear, in years to come. We will all be drinking from the loo. It will be in the form of plastic bottles with a green label, so lovingly provided by our beloved Gahmen, called the Newater. (Spelling? NewWater? New Water?)

Perhaps I should elaborate. The water in question here will serve as our tooth paste, our mouth wash, our hair gel, our shampoo, our shower gel, our facial cleanser, our shaving foam, our toilet paper, our hand soap and of course the most obvious, our beverage.... from the tap, of course. (Draught Water?)
9. a reader left...
Tuesday, 5 April 2005 8:53 am
Ditto! ;)


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