06 March 2006

The Oscars From The Other End

By the time you are reading this, the Academy Awards are probably taking place.

I thought I might as well also chap jee kar here by naming my Top 10 Worst Pictures For The Year 2005. Granted that there may be worse films out there than these, but these are the ones that I stupidly watched and suffered through it.

So without further ado,

No. 10 - ├ćon Flux
UTTER RUBBISH as far as plot and storyline goes. The only consolation is that the film got chiobu Charlize Theron to see and so at least there was a reason to keep the movie playing. Character Sithandra was particularly creepy where she underwent modification to have an extra pair of palms to replace her feet. I can't help but burst out laughing when the Hokkien phrase of chiew kena kar, kar kena chiew came into mind.

No. 9 - Memoirs Of A Geisha
To have the characters speak Japanese-accented English is just plain daft. The file would have scored more points had it been done in the Japanese language and have it subtitled it. That way, it might just be able to pass off as an Art-House foreign language movie.

Anyway, this a movie set in Japan and yet none of the 3 actresses are Japanese. Go figure.

Having read the book, I feel that the director has let the book down as the film didn't do the book any justice. It's like trying to serve wine in a paper cup. The book detailed the Geisha training when they were young which I thought was a very vital part to the entire book. Yet, this was conveniently discarded just so that they can fit the whole darn thing within the time limits of the movie.

Again, the chiobus here helped sustained me to the end of the movie. Gong Li's my favourite in the movie but Zhang Ziyi got this kiam par face. Dunno why.

No. 8 - Herbie: Fully Loaded
The Herbie movies were so fun to watch when we were kids and this latest one came and ruined it for everybody. It was such a pathetic effort to try to gross box office takings, banking on the Herbie name.

I was glad it was a relatively short movie (101 minutes) or I would have blown my brains out before reaching the ending credits.

As far as Lindsay Lohan goes, I wonder if it is just me or if she has this knack for picking lousy kiddie movies? I doubt if I can ever take this actress seriously ever again.

No. 7 - Bewitched
Nicole Kidman has somewhat turned into the Box Office Poisoned Chalice. Every film that she has made recently all bombed.

Comedy wise, I like Will Ferrell. He has done quite a few good comedies like Old School (Frank The Tank), Elf, Anchorman but this just pulls the rug right under everybody.

Frankly, I don't blame Kidman nor Ferrell for the movie itself is lousy. Like Herbie, Bewitched was a classic TV comedy when we were kids and it is obvious that Hollywood was just trying to squeeze some money out of unsuspecting movie goers with a sense of nostalgia.

No. 6 - Son Of The Mask
If sequels are always bad, then what would you call the sequel of a bad movie?

The first movie was already damn jialat with Jim Carey making a fool out of himself. The sequel is not only worse but at least this time, Carey was smart enough not to repeat the mistake by showing up! Again, desperate Hollywooders are trying to bank on the previous show's fame to try to con people out their movie money.

Seriously, these people should be shot.

No. 5 - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
It is almost like Hollywood ran out of scripts to make movies. As the Cantonese saying goes, this movie is absolutely moh lei tao. My feeling with this film is that it is trying to emulate the Month Python movies but failed miserably.

Everybody repeat after me. REMAKE is BAD!

I am unable to tell you the ending coz I never did get to the end. The movie went straight into my dustbin.

No. 4 - Fantastic Four
This remake of the comic book series was so so bad that it hurts. Can you see the trend now? These days, film companies are remaking every damn book, TV show into a movie and hoping that if it did well in the original medium, it would score just as well in film. WRONG!!!

This film was too painful to watch.

No. 3 - Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire
On one hand, you have a thick book. On the other hand, you know your audience has a short attention span. So how? Make it into a multi-parter right? But nooooo.... the idiotic producers decided that everything be squeezed into 1 movie. The result is at 157-minute film with absolutely nothing inside.

Because they had to sprint from start to finish before the audience drifts away, they had to drop a LOT of details along the way to make it under the time constrain. It's like visiting the Louvre museum while in a speeding car. What's the point in that?

My take on this is that if you can't do it right, don't.

No. 2 - The Dukes Of Hazzard
What is wrong with these Hollywood people. Can't they come out with anything original any more? If it is not a remake of a old movie, it is an adaptation of a TV show or a book or a comic. WTF??!!!

I would have let it slide if the film adaptation was done well but all that I see these days are pure crap.

I didn't even reach halfway point with this crap before thrashing the movie.

No.1 - War Of The Worlds
This is my winner for Worst Movie of 2005. I won't write further as I confirm will fall asleep trying to recall the movie.


- Voxeros

1. Jaschocolate left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 7:53 am
But i like no. 2 and 3 leh..

2. kim left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 8:31 am
muahaha.. Ya lo. That "one piece of paper" really has a kiam par face. I don't like her!!!!!

3. JayWalk left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 9:01 am :
Jaschocolate: Dukes of Hazzard was just a bad remake of the original.
Goblet of Fire committed an even bigger sin by doing grave injustice to the book. Ultimately, one cannot help but feel that they were being rush through the book.
Given the subsequent Harry Potter books are longer, I shall skip all subsequent movies knowing that we'd be speeding through it again.
If a movie is being made for the sake of making a movie, that I say, save it. I rather do without it.

kIm: Yah lor, the Zhang Ziyi really got that sibeh tao face. See already, want to poke her eye.

4. aloe left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 10:01 am
but but but.. I like Geisha leh.. :( I just never read the book before so I dun know what's missing la.
I do admit also the the last show in the HP series was ... a letdown la. cos they really hurried thru and missed a lot of parts. hiaz... But I still like the HP series. :)
Yah, watching Bewitched was a bore... >.<"' the TV series was so nice!! well.. in my memories la, the series was nice. I dun know if I would feel the same if I watched it again now, but I do recall it was nice. heheh!

5. akk left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 1:29 pm
hmm...i actually liked war of the world leh...but perhaps should make it longer, the ending too abrupt.:)

6. JayWalk left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 2:23 pm :: 
Anna: Your dislike for the Harry Potter movie stems from the fact that you read the book.
Not in the case for Geisha coz you didn't read the book.
See the trend?
Take my advice. Go read the book. If you enjoyed the movie, I guarantee you'll enjoy the book even more.
If you like the old Bewitched TV series, then I would guess that you like I Dream Of Jeannie too. Well, I did.

Akk: Oh well, I don't claim to be an authority on movie tastes. So there. Feel free to enjoy your War Of The Worlds.
BTW, it was nominated for Worst Picture in the Golden Raspberry Awards (Razzies) but narrowly escape when Dirty Love won it.

7. aloe left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 4:28 pm
point to note: I still like the HP series of books and movies. Just that the kids acting the characters are growing up too fast. hahah!
And yah, I do remember liking the show "I dream of Jeanie" too. :)

8. Zhe Bin left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 11:02 pm
Jessica Alba was wrong to have acted in Fantastic 4. SOB.

9. KingMeng left...
Monday, 6 March 2006 11:43 pm ::
Agreed on all except The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy....loved it. It made me read the entire Hitchhiker's Collection.

10. Jaslyn left...
Tuesday, 7 March 2006 12:07 am ::
I love this post man! Movie freak lah.. Hmm..
chiew kena kar, kar kena chiew!! Sorry, I really cant stop laughing at this!!!
Yes, Zhang Ziyi got a VERY kiam par face! *slap*
I haven even watch Bewitched, Son of the mask and The dukes of hazzard.. My dvd list for u is always too long to contain so many :p

11. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 7 March 2006 8:01 am :: 
Anna: Let me ask you this. If you were to chose one but not the other. Which would it be? Book or movie?
Both Jeannie and Bewitched is like a male fantasy come true. hur hur hur.....

Zhe Bin: You have to understand that actresses (if you can call her one) like Alba are simply grabbing whatever is thrown at them. At their calibre, you think they can pull off the hits like say... Fargo or LA Confidential?
All of them have their own place in the "supply chain" and unfortunately for Alba, it isn't quite "up there" yet. Well, at least not in the immediate future but who knows what would happen later down the road?

12. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 7 March 2006 9:13 am ::
KingMeng: Now tell me. Were the books better?

Jaslyn: I thot as much that your would love this post. You movie junkie you! :)

13. aloe left...
Tuesday, 7 March 2006 9:58 am
I also haven't watch some of the shows listed here.
Book or movie?? urmm.. err.. urm... I will do both leh. U read something but a movie puts something visual in front of you and condenses a few hours (even a few days or weeks sometimes!) reading into 2 to 3 hours. I guess I would chose reading bah. More in depth, more description. But it's always nice to see something u read become a movie.

14. KingMeng left...
Tuesday, 7 March 2006 10:28 am ::
Good. But the main point is: if the movie sucks, I wouldn't have even bothered to touch the books. (I admit, I'm not an avid book-reader).

15. JayWalk left...
Wednesday, 8 March 2006 6:45 am :: 
Anna: If you haven't catch any of the shows in the list, don't.
Perhaps I am just lamenting that nobody these days, bother to take the time to read a book proper. The closest they would get would probably be the Cliff Notes version of the book. Sigh... 

KingMeng: You are absolutely right on that count. I did overlook that fact that the movie may lead one to the book.
They may be few but definitely not zero.

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