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23 March 2006

Of Super Glue And A Short Leash

I was just chatting with Cute Dot when the topic of a possesive partner sprung up.

Below is an extract:

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Session Start (jay.walk:Cute Dot): Wed Mar 15 23:32:41 2006

Background: Cute Dot was telling me about her funny friend MIW

[23:35] jay.walk: oh yes. i want to meet MIW!

[23:36] Cute Dot: hahaha

[23:36] jay.walk: no harm knowing mah...

[23:36] Cute Dot: MIW cannot meet u

[23:36] jay.walk: haiz.....

[23:36] Cute Dot: erm
[23:36] Cute Dot: her bf is v erm
[23:36] Cute Dot: easily jealous type

[23:36] jay.walk: jealous of what? i married with kids leh!!!

[23:36] Cute Dot: she talks to other guys, he will quarrel w her

[23:37] jay.walk: really har?

[23:37] Cute Dot: aiya

[23:37] jay.walk: psycho bf.

[23:37] Cute Dot: he's that irritating la

[23:38] jay.walk: can i blog about this? interesting topic for discussion

[23:38] Cute Dot: like?

[23:38] jay.walk: like "over-controlling bf/gf. will there be happiness?"

[23:38] Cute Dot: haha

[23:39] jay.walk: i kena super glue gf before. i was miserable.

[23:42] Cute Dot: she will juz find it rather true
[23:42] Cute Dot: n mabbe give her smthing to think abt

[23:42] jay.walk: okie.
Session Close (Cute Dot): Fri Mar 17 08:36:42 2006
.

Personally, I have been through miserable times with SuperGlues and was just wondering about 2 things.

One is that I wonder if anyone has any similar experience? If you recall, I had a nightmare of the "Nursing Kind" and that was merely the tip of the iceberg. I can tell you that I have been through a lot more times (I wasn't a very bright kid back then) before I finally learnt my lesson.

The second would be that while I may grimace at the thought of being on a leash (and a short one, if I may add). I am sure that there are just as many people out there who would disagree with me.

What do you think?

- Voxeros

1. Jaschocolate left...
Wednesday, 22 March 2006 10:19 pm
I never kenna cos u know lah...
Anyway, i think i am the type who depend on my mood one.. most of the times cannot disturb me.. i need him, then can be possessive.. :p


2. JayWalk left...
Wednesday, 22 March 2006 11:20 pm :: 
Jaschocolate: I think you will probably be one of those possessive ones, regardless of mood.


3. kIm left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 12:50 am
i think to have a possessive gf/bf is damn cham la. Machiam no social life like that. I wouldn't wanna give up my social life for a guy. But that's just wad I say now, since I don't have one and am so used to my freedom.


4. aloe left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 8:54 am
same as klm.... (=P kidding!!) hahaha! I'm too used to independence liao and if one gets too sticky, I will run away first. :P


5. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 9:22 am :: 
kim & Anna: Sekali you two are the possessive ones! Like that, then how?


6. Jaschocolate left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 10:37 am
Where got? Just don't like ppl to demand too much from me.. i have limited love for anyone.. i love myself da most..


7. kIm left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 11:11 am
AH CHOY!
I don't want to be the possessive one.. I would rather someone else be possessive of me. Actually it's quite sweet to a limited extent. But too possessive hor, abit terrifying lo. Hahah..

Jaschocolate: I wish I can say that of myself. Hais.


8. akk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 11:23 am
hmmm...depends on what is the degree of possessiveness. there will and should at least be a a little possessiveness in a relationship, otherwise, it'll be a free-for-all, no?
I give hubby free-rein, as long as don't tell me about it....hahaha...on my part, i don't tell him either. not so good, but it's the fairest I can think of. if he tell me, i'll start doing all sorts of stupid comparisons becos for some idiotic reasons, his gal frens all damn chio one....*deflate*
I'm not possessive, just dun wan to let my self-esteem get the best of me by being superficial.


9. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 12:10 pm ::
Jaschocolate: I applaud you for not imposing double-standards here. If you can't give a lot, then don't expect to demand a lot either.

kIm: Bless You! You are like a Ribena advertisement. Yes, but not too much. ~LOL

akk: I think you have more to hide than your hubby!


10. Jaschocolate left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 12:21 pm
Haha.. ollie, u are so sweet.. Ribena, i like..

J dad, i can said it now probably cos i never loved before.. Who knows who happened when i do? But then there's this saying that "to love is to let go", no? See lah.. future so bleak..


11. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 12:29 pm :: 
Jaschocolate: Well then, keep us posted ok? Will be stalking your blog for it. hahaha....


12. Jaschocolate left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 1:04 pm
Pls stalk for at least 10 yrs, ok? cos no news within these few years one..haha


13. winter left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 1:24 pm
it's hard to say.
i used to think that i am not possessive but when u r in it, u might be possessive for the wrong reasons.
but now, i think it's easier to force oneself to do what i want people to do to me. cos sometimes being possessive makes guys can't breath & get sick of being controlled especially when there are still mcps around.. haha
if i dun like being controlled over my current lifestyle, i shouldn't do the same to my partner too.
it's easier said then done :P


14. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 1:31 pm :: 
Jaschocolate: Need to wait 10 years?? 不会吧?

winter: Have you ever been the possessive gf before?

What about the rest of the people reading this?


15. hitomi left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 2:05 pm
I think hor, the 3 cha-bors who say they won't be possessive will turn out to be possessive leh... Easier said than done. ;-)


16. aloe left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 2:37 pm
After reading all these, possessive, yes, to a certain extent. But definitely not to call the other party every hour or every few hours to check his/her whereabouts. Probably just an sms to show that u miss the other party would do.
But i really dun like frequent sms or calling. I will ignore de... :P maybe cos I haven't meet the ONE yet bah. Dun know. I see what happens if and when it happens to me bah. :)


17. winter left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 3:29 pm
more or less
a little possessive. last time still immature mah. i can only lessen the pain for my partner.. hahaha


18. JayWalk left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 3:43 pm :: 
hitomi: Then what about yourself?

Anna: Girl ah. Calling every hour is not possessive ok? It's psycho liao.

winter: Well, then I supposed the next guy can count himself lucky liao. :)


19. winter left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 4:00 pm
i hope i hope


20. kIm left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 4:45 pm
Why ribena? I don't understand the ribena part.
Actually I think possessiveness is a sign of insecurity. Either that or one don't trust the other. Ay, must have self-confidence ma. I love confident men.. They are sexy. Muahaha..


21. Pam left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 5:19 pm
i think the level of gluey-ness depends on the individual's perception. some think calling everyday's gluey, others think calling every hour is gluey but need to at least call once per day. it's quite dependent on the person, to be honest! others need their partner to reply SMS back asap, others don't mind waiting a few hours, days whatever.

some call it insecurity when you are glue-y. others who aren't glue-y may be labeled 'confident' (which is a good thing i suppose), or 'arrogant' (which isn't such a good thing). so.. i haven't really helped i think in sharing what i think, but hey, you asked for it! :):)
i think, it also depends on the amount of trust you have in that person, and the level of communication the pair of you are used to from the start. for eg, if you promise to call, and then don't call, then i think your partner's got the right to panic, be possessive, start calling you to find out if you are ok etc. if you always call at a certain time, and then actually do call at that time, then it's fine - it instills trust.

i'm rambling now. sorry!!


22. jaschocolate left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 7:42 pm
dad: I think so leh.. one funny thing is that i will also be affected by other ppl's r/s.. Like my colleague, the husband kept calling during lunch and after work.. i got very irritated.. i mean, if i am already rushing my lunch liao and u are calling me for mere things hor..then i want to kill ppl.. But my colleague don't mind.. :p


23. hitomi left...
Thursday, 23 March 2006 7:57 pm
u ask my bf lor...
i agree wif Pam, it depends on the level of communication between both parties. So long as the partner or the other party dun complain can liao. Who cares what the rest say?


24. JayWalk left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 12:04 am ::
winter: I'll keep my finger's crossed for you.

kIm: I was refering to the Ribena TV commercial back in the early days where this little girl ask for some Ribena from a little boy. The famous line by the boy was "Yes, but not to much."

The way I see it, possessiveness only stems from one thing and one thing only. Insecurity.

Pam: Trust the doctor to write a paper about it here. :)
Life is much easier now with SMS, instant messengers and post-it note i.e. a person sends a message and the other party can respond as and when available.

I remember the psycho girls of yore where they keep calling your phone over and over and over until to you pick up.

Just when you thought it was some emergency due to her urgency, it only turned out that she just "wanted to hear your voice". *facepalm*


25. JayWalk left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 12:08 am ::
Jaschocolate & hitomi: I think hitomi hits the point right between the eyes. As long as the level of what's agreeable and what's overboard is reached between the couple, all would be peachy and rosy.
It wasn't the case for me during my period of Les Miserables.


26. Pam left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 12:54 am
on the other hand, as a result of emails, IM, skype etcetc, people DO expect the other party to react almost instantaneously, otherwise you assume that they are 'ignoring' you, or chatting to other girls, or whatever. whatever happened to days when it took the boat 3 weeks minimum to sail across the seas, and then a postman on bicycle to deliver stuff!! :):)


27. JayWalk left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 1:29 am :: 
Pam: Then in this case the understanding is not deep enough. If the person is close enough he/she would have understood that the other party could be busy with something more important despite being online.


28. aloe left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 9:14 am
I dun mind if the fellow returns my sms late or even the next day. But dun return at all?? NB!!
I do have a colleague whose hb keeps calling and it nothing serious.... *face palm* quite irritating loh cos a lot of time, he call when she not around.
Last time, I also got another friend whose bf call and when she say she's with me, he dun believe. *slap him!* I must speak to him before he believes us... -_-"'
I agree, I believe that it all boils down to security and trust.


29. JayWalk left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 10:35 am :: 
Anna: Yah lah, not returning messages is too much liao. Even if not bf/gf returning messages at the next available convenience is just basic courtesy mah.
As for the bf who didn't believe that the gf was with you, perhaps if you take a step back and think. Did she have a previous bad record to trigger this?


30. akk left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 12:45 pm
wah lau! i hope so...scarly he also got blog somewhere, i pengz!


31. Pam left...
Friday, 24 March 2006 6:19 pm
Hi Jay, disagree with that thought. although it probably does require a level of understanding, i think because of the availability of emails, cheap phone calls, IM etc, people still expect the other party (be it bf/gf or work colleagues or just friends) to reply almost instantly. which explains why we have the 'autoresponse message' that tells people that we aren't around, or the 'yahoo' message that we're 'busy/stepped out'.
when an email/message/SMS is not replied (again, disregarding the type of relationship you have), then the feeling one gets is that the other party does not care enough.
of course, there are always exceptions. i have friends who i know are not very good at replying emails, and i accept that. they end up calling me eventually, or we leave each other phone messages/SMSs!


32. JayWalk left...
Saturday, 25 March 2006 6:30 am ::
Akk: Now there a thought for I highly doubt it. Sekali, it's a blog about your blog. ~LOL.

Pam: I don't claim to be an authority about this but I almost never use those "out-to-lunch/busy" status thingies. More often then not, I get called away at the snap of a finger and most times, it doesn't allow me to set the status before leaving.
Everybody who chats with me are aware of this, which is the "understanding" that I am talking about.
I supposed it boils like to how much benefit of doubt you earn from the other party over the years.


33. Jaschocolate left...
Sunday, 26 March 2006 9:59 am
Fuck.. now mommy and winter trying to sell me off again just becos of that 10 years thingy.. Damn.. 好烦!


34. JayWalk left...
Sunday, 26 March 2006 12:04 pm 
Jaschocolate: Did I miss something here? I don't seem to be able to connect the dots here. What did hitomi and winter do?


35. Jaschocolate left...
Sunday, 26 March 2006 12:27 pm
hahaha.. they bothered me in person.. not on here.. :p


36. JayWalk left...
Sunday, 26 March 2006 6:18 pm :: 
Jaschocolate: What they do? Come on! Spill it!


37. aloe left...
Tuesday, 28 March 2006 11:25 am
nay... dun think she had a bad track record before him. at least, from wat I know, she wasn't two-timing or doing bad things behind his back at that time.
I have had friends who dun reply sms-es at all or reply only the next day or sometimes 2-3 days later!! :| but it's their style and we "understand".


38. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 28 March 2006 12:26 pm :: 
Anna: In order to have this "understanding" and not getting upset over does require a certain minimum level of closeness. That's the very point that I was driving at.


39. aloe left...
Tuesday, 28 March 2006 1:50 pm
But no matter how understanding one can be, it's truly vexing when the person did not answer the call or reply your sms-es when you are looking for him/her urgently... =(


40. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 28 March 2006 3:00 pm :: 
Anna: If it is an emergency, it can be very frustrating. Yes. I will give you that.
But, how often do we urgently need to get in touch with that somebody? Take that number and measure up against the number of occasions that were not urgent.


41. Mum2One left...
Monday, 3 April 2006 7:51 pm
A bit late to spot this post but very interesting discussion leh so is it too late to join in?
I think hor, there are 3 states a relationship can exist - 1)independent 2)dependent (ie.possessive) & 3)inter-dependent. 1 and 2 no good. But 3 is the best. Explanation - If looking for independence in relationship, might as well remain single. If dependent, then no self-identity/individuality and relationship becomes stale because the person becomes boring (speak from experience mah). No 3 leh, learnt from experience, self-identity preservation must still exist but no man is an island and "two is better than one" so must also learn to be vulnerable - therefore inter-dependent... make sense boh? Check out about codependency (http://www.recoveryresources.org/codependency.html). The qn to ask is :Are you codependent? If so, then you are also possessive.
Eh, how to link URL to a word Jay? And, what is chio? it keeps coming up. means chic?


42. JayWalk left...
Monday, 3 April 2006 9:14 pm ::
Mum2One: I get what you mean but I have one more thing to add. If both parties are agreeable and happy with any of the states, be it 1, 2 or 3, who are we to stop them?
If they are happy in their proverbial pile of shit, I say why not let them be?
Anyway, use square bracket to link URL here. Click "help on wiki syntax" below for further elaboration.
Chio = Pretty/Beautiful


43. Mum2One left...
Tuesday, 4 April 2006 7:42 am
Agree... you can bring a horse to the water but you cannot make it drink. One has to do that himself. If both parties agree to it - codepedent liao. like you said, miserable coz caught in the rut but usually they also find identity in that relationship so breaking-up is hard.
Thanks for your help last night. Will install Mozilla...


44. JayWalk left...
Tuesday, 4 April 2006 8:41 am :: 
Mum2One: More than glad to have you ditch the useless MS Internet Explorer.
I know of guys/girls who secretly loved to be whipped (figuratively lah!) but had to vigorously deny it for the sake of saving face.
To them I usually say "Whatever turns you on lah!" :P

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