21 June 2008

Girl Molested - The Parody

This is the mystery email that appear in the email box of CowBoyCaleb on 16 Jun 2008. Yeah, the one that I wrote.

Anyway, I thought I reproduce it here for posterity.

Yah lah, write a parody of this nature damn CB Kia lah but let's face it, it was too good an idea to just give it up and shelf it in the name of being Politically Correct lor.

Sorry ah, I ish no saint.

In fact, I'd probably go to hell for this. No. Wait. Possibly first in line at the gates of hell (Eh. Got door gift or not har?).

Those who know me will agree that limpeh is tok kok king. So something like this that is funny as hell (no pun intended), you tell me how not to write it?

So you si nong kias who are reading this, you all better read it and make sure you all laugh until Lao Bak Sai (Lao Sai optional).

p.s. Why CowBoyCaleb choose a picture of the MacDonald's Grimace to accompany the email shall remain as one of life's greatest mysteries.

Dear Cowboy,

I like to read your blog everyday. This is something I must share with you. If you can, please post on your blog so others can learn from my mistake. This incident hor has been eating at me for the past one year already and it has been haunting me since. I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot shit, cannot work properly. In other words hor, my life kena upside down because of this fucked-up episode. Cheebye…

The constant echoes of laughter of the security officers and their finger pointing are a constant looping video in my head. How do you stop the playback? Please stop!! I am going kee siao liao!

It was March 2007 when I went to Bali with a charbor friend. Her name is Suzy. Suzy Tan Bee Lian. You know lah. Suzy is the type of name ownself give one lah. Last time, she wanted to act ang moh pai and was calling herself Grace but I think she is past that pattern phase liao. So now is call Suzy.

This one hor, working in the HR department of Magma International LLC (27th Floor, UIC Building, 342 Robinson Road) and I got to know her when my insurance agent quit then transferred my portfolio to her as she is also sideline Presidential Insurance agent one. We got along quite well and I always jio her go out eat supper since she stay very near me lor. So in a way, I know her quite well coz we tok kok a lot during all those suppers lor.

So last March hor, my best friend wedding kena canceled. Stupid fella lah… go sleep with the wife’s family maid for fuck? Want to fuck her also at least don’t get caught mah? Walau… fuck the maid in the parent’s room then tio caught? Consperm hong kan lor. So like that moh tween tween wedding tio canceled. Wanna fuck the maid also wait until marry liao then fuck mah. Stupid bastard lah.

So anyway, best friend say, the air ticket and hotel to Bali for the honeymoon now no use, so give me. At first, I ask all my guy friends if they want to go with me but all said no, say if go already sibeh gay leh. Yah lah… what they say hor, also got point lah. Besides, this one hor, is honeymoon package some more. Next, I asked all my female friends but dunno why, one by one all say no. Say financial year closing so very busy. Even Margaret who is URA parking coupon auntie also say financial year closing, very busy. iBlur lor.

So one night over supper with Suzy, I ask her wanna go with me to Bali or not. She said yes lor. At first, I think think hor, one man, one woman go overseas trip, sleep same room will kena monkey business or not? But I think think more hor, I am the man here, I don’t do anything, then should be safe bah? Besides, Suzy looks like the decent decent type of girl. So I think nothing will happen lah.

When we reached the hotel in Bali, I damn zi dong and act gentleman. I asked for a change to a twin bedroom. I tell you the front desk staff damn KNN. Give me attitude leh. Then throw me the look like I first time leave country. Harlow fuck you understand! I got go to Malaysia before ok! Cheebye front desk manager tell me there is no such thing as twin beds in a honeymoon suite. Zhun bor?

Lan jiao understand?! Where got such thing as honeymoon suite don’t have twin bed one? 6-star hotel leh! No twin beds? You bruff who? Cheebye!! Then they still dare to tell me all the other hotels all also don’t have twin beds in their honeymoon suites one. Zhun bor??

Bali hotels ALL SUCK MONKEY BALLS LAH!! Cheebye!!

On the final night, I fell asleep very early coz I was very tired from the 3 days of fun in the sun and then cheonging the bars at night. Also maybe I eat too much at the buffet over dinner lah. So jiak par liao sibeh ai koon.

As I was in my half wake half sleep state, I felt got fingers caressing my chest. Then sometimes the fingers will come to flick flick my neh chee one.

I didn’t know what to do. I was very afraid and I kept very still.

Then Suzy suddenly turned on her side facing me and stealthily put one leg under my thigh and wrapped the other over it. My legs tio kiap liao loh. I felt machiam like the mouse kena coiled by anaconda. I can feel her cheebye pressing against my leg and rub rub some more. Jeet pai tai chee dua tiao liao…

Then hor, the thigh on top of me hor, started to move leh and her ang moh knee was starting to rise towards my kukujiao. I damn scared lor. I held my breath. I don’t even dare to breathe. The first time the leg come up, the knee nearly touched my balls but heng heng at the last minute the leg go down again. Then hor, just when I thought no more liao, the leg come up again leh! This time not only touched my balls but go further and kena my kukujiao!

I cannot take it liao and I screamed and jolted up. Then Suzy pretended like we were supposed to be rubbaing and asked if anything wrong?

Anything wrong? ANYTHING WRONG?!??!

Your knee rubba my kukujiao, you ask me anything wrong??!

My scream must have alerted the security and two officers came barging into our room to the sound of my distress.

Suzy comprained to the officer about me for not “actioning” her. Wah lan!! My fault!!!??

Then the security officers look at me up and down then started pointing at me and laughing madly?

I looked down at where they were pointing at me and WAH LAN EH!!!


So malu can? I ran out of the room with my handphone and walked along the beach aimlessly for hours as I called home to my best friend to comprain until my handphone no batt.

The next day, we flew back to Singapore. I never say a word to her. I felt betrayed. I thought she was my friend whom I trusted. She is a downright despicable person.

I spoke to best friend and he accompanied me to the police station to lodge a police report but the police refused to take my report and threw the both of us out for wasting their time.

I am at a loss as I have nowhere to go from here. I have since been depressed over this incident to the extend that I can no longer function as a normal person.

I think I should just go eat one pack panadol, one bottle of Martell VSOP then slash my wrist. Must kill myself or else all the horrible flashbacks that has been looping in my head over and over and over and over will never end.


Image Credit: 
- Voxeros

1. NNPC left...
Saturday, 21 June 2008 12:04 pm ::
hohoho! i think cause cbc things that purple blob resembles u ma

2. Linny left...
Saturday, 21 June 2008 12:31 pm ::
Because Grimace is pointing and laughing? Idk! But, *clapclapclap*. Cool beans, Jay-Meister.

3. JayWalk left...
Saturday, 21 June 2008 2:58 pm :: 
NNPC: Walau..... he more blob than me lor!! *sulk*

Linny: Thank you... thank you very much.... *bows*

4. THB left...
Monday, 23 June 2008 11:40 am ::

5. JayWalk left...
Monday, 23 June 2008 2:04 pm :: 
THB: What you hmm-ing about?

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